


Greedy

by thespianhowell



Series: Greedy [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Past Abuse, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, and depression, warnings for:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-04 18:13:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5343683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespianhowell/pseuds/thespianhowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At first, it was just sex. Friends with benefits. Really, it hadn’t meant anything. But then Dan got greedy. (inspired by (<a href="http://36.media.tumblr.com/02081f97bd263291a261bed24e2e4245/tumblr_inline_nyscbxzfXM1srr2d2_500.png">x</a>))</p>
<p>(<a href="http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/83497120945/greedy-the-masterpost">cross-posted from tumblr</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fumbling

**Author's Note:**

> little things to note:  
> 1: this fic was written and posted on my tumblr in late 2013/early 2014. I've touched it up very slightly and I'm still generally quite proud of it, but there were things we didn't know and things that hadn't happened and I have also evolved as a writer in some ways.  
> 2: I know literally so little about _the_ serious girlfriend she is entirely fictional and based only on the fact that we know Dan dated a girl for 3ish years.  
>  3: Dan's timeline is slightly out for this and 'Patrick' obviously doesn't exist. Let's call it creative license and suspend our disbelief (pls).  
> 4: Minor minor things but Louise was still married and PJ did not live in London at the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://loverboylester.tumblr.com/post/71502753616/greedy-1-fumbling)

**2013** _ **  
**_ It was Christmas Eve. Just. It was just Christmas Eve. It was 1:45 in the morning where Dan was, alone in his hotel room in India. And he wasn’t feeling Christmassy, despite what the clock was telling him about the date. No, instead he was lying on his side in a lonely, over-sized double bed, crying along to his ‘ _I hate Phil_ ’ playlist loudly through his headphones and wishing Phil would text him. 

Arctic Monkey’s  _Do I Wanna Know?_ faded into Arcade Fire’s  _Ready to Start_ as Dan tossed onto his other side, wishing the bed wasn’t so fucking large because it just made him feel like Phil should be there to fill it. 

_Ready to Start_ faded into  _Mr Brightside,_ which became  _Sugar, We’re Going Down_ and Dan was still crying and still not sleeping and Phil had still not texted him. Dan screamed into his pillow.

As 2am flicked over on the clock next to him and Haim’s  _Don’t Save Me_ played, he thought, and not for the first time, that sleeping with Phil that first time was the worst decision he had ever made. He turned up his music, not caring that it would probably damage his ears, and cried a little harder. Songs that reminded him of Phil were a bad idea. But songs that reminded him that he wasn’t the only one being fucked over by jealousy and best friends and cute boys? Those were oddly soothing.

The problem was that he didn’t hate Phil as his playlist title suggested. He loved Phil. He loved Phil far too much, with all of his weak and withering heart.

*******

**2009**

Dan was staying at Phil’s. Phil, who was a real person and who had called him his best friend and was having him stay at his house and Dan was  _really_  fucking happy about all of it. He was sitting on Phil’s bed, in Phil’s room, talking to Phil, and laughing as Phil told him the hilariously terrible story of the first time Phil tried to give a lovebite.

“Jessica was so mad at me. Her parents thought she’d been mauled by the neighbourhood pitbull when they saw it on her shoulder.” Dan cackled, watching as Phil buried his face in his hands and struggled not to do the same thing.

“That bad?” Dan asked in shock. Phil these days was an absolute  _stud,_ and everyone who knew him even somewhat personally knew it. Plenty of people who  _didn’t_  know him personally guessed correctly, for that matter. It wasn’t easy to imagine a version of Phil who didn’t know what he was doing, even as a fumbling fourteen-year-old. But it made Dan feel better. Because that’s what  _he_  did. He fumbled.

“Yeah.” Phil said, nodding and finally allowed himself to laugh at his past self. Dan laughed again.

“Oh, dude…Did she rat you out?” Dan secretly hoped the answer was yes. He hadn’t met Mrs Lester, but he’d briefly seen her and chatted with her over Skype, and the image of her dealing with her fourteen-year-old being a sex fiend in the making was comical.

“No, thank God.” Despite the very mild disappointment at the answer, Dan was still snickering. Phil slapped his arm.

“How old were you?” Dan asked when he recovered.

“Fourteen. Jess was sixteen. I was totally cool with my older woman.” Dan snorted, receiving another slap.

“At least I don’t make the girls I date hate me.” He baited.

“That would have been a low blow had Jess and I actually been dating.” Dan raised his eyebrows, and Phil nodded.

“You’d started the pimp life at fourteen?”

“Oh yes. What were you doing at fourteen then, stud?” Phil prodded, tone lightly teasing. Dan grinned, because Phil wouldn’t win this round completely.

“Dating Ella, for most of it, much like the majority of my high school years. Never gave her lovebites, though, not even bad ones. She wasn’t the type of girl to appreciate it.” He commented, his tone getting misty as he got lost in memories of Ella. He should be banned from thinking about exes. He hadn’t dated in a little while now. Thinking about it just made him lonely and insecure and annoyed.

“You’ve never given a hickey then?” Phil asked, eyebrows raised. Dan gave Phil a wounded expression, his own eyebrows also raised.

“I never said I’d never given a hickey, I just said I hadn’t given her one.” He said defensively, turning his head dramatically away from Phil. Phil just laughed at him.

“Who were you giving hickeys to then?”

“No-one. I just resented your assumptions.”

“You’re the worst.” Phil said with a roll of his eyes.

“You love me.”

“Correct, but beside the point.” 

“What is the point?”

“Do you know how to give one?” Phil queried, though Dan knew he was already getting the answer he needed from the slight blush on Dan’s face.

“Not really.”

“I feel it is my duty to teach you then, to spare you a Jessica-esque experience.” Phil said, nodding emphatically. “Shall I provide a demonstration?” Dan stared at him for a long moment, trying to find any indication that the older boy was joking. When he found none, he responded.

“Alright then. But. Not on the neck. My mother is… invasive.” He said, shuddering at the thought of her noticing hickeys on him.

“Bring forth your collarbone, then.” Dan nodded apprehensively, and began to unbutton his shirt. Phil wolf whistled, making them both laugh. “Rules are, aside from the obvious about asking in the first place, gauge how rough whoever you’re with wants it.” Phil told him.

“Rough as you like, I guess.” Dan responded with a shrug, trying not to admit to the fact that he would like him to really be rather rough, please.

“You suck, like this.” Phil told him, before placing his lips over Dan’s collarbone in a perfect ‘O’ shape and beginning to suck down, quite hard. Dan bit his lip, just in case, because he wasn’t going to let Phil get the wrong idea. It just felt  _good._  After what must have been ten seconds or slightly more, Phil pulled back.

“Yeah, it’s better to break it up, to be slightly less weird, and here is where you’d probably go back to kissing the person.”

“So you’re not going to kiss me then?” Dan responded with mock hurt in his voice. He legitimately didn’t want Phil to kiss him because Phil kissing him would end badly. Phil stared at him, for a long moment, eyebrows raised, before bursting into a fit of giggles, joined by Dan only seconds afterwards.

“And then back to the hickey region.” Phil said, moving back to Dan’s neck and sucking for another ten seconds or so. “You can bite a bit, use your teeth, but I wouldn’t do that with everyone. Only people who like that.” And okay, Dan had never had the chance to find out, but he was pretty sure he liked that.

“You can if you want. I want to know.” He said, hoping he wasn’t coming on too strong. Phil’s eyebrows shot up again, and Dan’s cheeks turned scarlet.

“Are you into that, then?”

“Don’t look at me like that.” He mumbled, looking away from Phil.

“I’m not looking at you like anything. You’re just… you’re so awkward and shy sometimes, not with me anymore, but, you don’t exactly come across as a biter.” Phil told him, grinning. Dan merely blushed brighter.

“I never said I was.”

“Are you?” Dan didn’t respond straight away. He didn’t quite know what to say. In the end, it had been longer than the acceptable time to keep someone hanging, so he ended up stuttering out,

“I wish I was, I think. I’ve never had the chance.”

“Well, then, come here, I’ll show you, you can find out.” He told him, ducking back to his collarbone and sinking his teeth in a little to prove his put. Dan sighed with pleasure.

“Yeah okay that feels…  _really_  good.” Dan told him as Phil bit down just a little harder. He then pulled back, admiring the red area that they both knew would be purple before long.

“Are you like… secretly super kinky, Daniel?” Phil asked, a smirk in his eyes but not on his mouth. Dan chewed his lip.

“Well, I doubt it, I don’t exactly want a hot muscular guy to chain me up, spank me with a paddle, and call me a filthy slut. Vanilla sex is nice… I like vanilla sex.” Dan paused there. It was true. Vanilla, ‘love-making’, sweet sex was wonderful. It was. But, he hadn’t tried it any other way yet. And he didn’t know. “But… I don’t know. I feel like if I was every with someone who’d want that, I’d like to try… things.” Phil grinned at him in a way that suggested Phil had tried plenty of ‘ _things’._ Dan felt like a child.

“I hope you find someone then. Biting, at very least, is good fun.” 

_Yeah,_ Dan thought,  _I hope so too. Soon._  

*******

“You’re bisexual, yeah? Or… pansexual? Something?” Phil asked him, as they lay next to each other on Phil’s bed on an entirely separate occasion. Dan shrugged. He still didn’t have an answer. He wondered if ‘I fall for people because of them and not their gender and I do that way too easily anyway’ was an acceptable sexuality. He wondered if there was a label for that. All he knew is that he got attached, he got caught up in people, the person didn’t get as attached to him, he got hurt, re: everyone he’d ever dated.

“Yeah, something like that.” Dan replied, as it was simpler. He turned to look at Phil after feeling the older boy’s eyes on him. “What?”

“Have you ever done anything with a boy, then? Or do you just know?” Phil asked, with curious eyes and a querying smile. “Either one is valid, like I’m not judging you. I knew before I did anything. I’m just curious.” Dan took a deep breath, gnawed on his lip, and eventually admitted to his sexual history.

“I’ve, uh… I’ve blown a guy I knew. He was really,  _really_ hot, and he apparently liked me, but I… he was kind of a dickhead. I didn’t really give a fuck about him either way, and I think that’s why I did it. I wanted to know what I was doing a bit when it came to someone I did like.” Again, this was the simplified version of the story, and if he was being honest, he wasn’t entirely sure why he wouldn’t give Phil his whole stories. Part of it was probably that he didn’t want to talk about it. 

In truth, he’d been mad over the boy, Patrick, utterly mad over him, until he’d cheated. Then, in an effort to win Patrick back, and to try and stop hating him, Dan had gone down on him. All it did was leave him numb. He’d then refused to let Patrick touch him to return the favour, and he’d gone home, wanting to cry but being too empty to do so. He’d never returned Patrick’s calls, and he didn’t know where he was anymore.

“That’s a pretty solid theory.” Phil said, pulling Dan back to the present. “Did it work?

“What do you mean by ‘work’?” Dan asked, pushing his hair out of his face and not looking at Phil.

“Do you know what you’re doing for when you actually do like someone?”

“I don’t know.” Dan admitted with a chuckle. He wondered if it was normal for best friends to talk about these things. Phil flirted with him a lot, and he flirted back. He was attracted to Phil. But he didn’t like him, not like that. And he didn’t want to. And he was desperate to find the line because if he ever blurred it even slightly he knew he’d just get  _attached_ and fall in love and be clingy and, oh  _God,_ he couldn’t lose Phil, so he hoped  _so much_  that this wasn’t over the line. 

“How can you not know?” Phil sounded confused and amused but he was continuing down this road so maybe this wasn’t the line.  _God, don’t let it be the line._

“I’ve had one male-on-male sexual encounter, I’m hardly an expert on what is good and what isn’t.” Dan told Phil with an eyeroll. Phil actually burst out laughing, and if Dan was honest, he wasn’t sure why.

“Did this guy give you any form of feedback, Dan?” Phil made it seem so obvious and all he could think was  _please don’t let him be laughing_ at _me._

“Does it matter?” Dan replied, looking away as he felt his face burn. Phil probably assumed from the way he was acting that he’d been terrible, but he hadn’t, if he said so himself. He felt like he did just fine. But he didn’t want to talk about Patrick-related things and he didn’t want to talk about blowjobs with boys as pretty as Phil.

“No, I’m just curious.” Phil said in a way that indicated he still wanted an answer. And because Phil was his best friend and Phil sometimes taught him stuff and maybe it would do some good to talk about it all instead of holding onto it, Dan caved.

“Yeah. He said I was good. Well, actually, he used more curse words than that during and also afterwards used the word ‘sensational’. But I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing mostly. I’ve had sex with girls… Well, _a_ girl. And I was… alright, at that, maybe. I don’t know, Phil, is sex hard for everyone?”

“Most males, yeah.” Phil said, snickering. Dan slapped him hard in the chest, frowning at him.

“I fucking hate you, that was terrible.” The statement was dulled by the way that he was trying and only just succeeding to not laugh himself.

“Sorry, I had to.” Phil said feebly through his laughter.

“You actually didn’t. I’m here pouring my heart out to you and you’re making bad puns.” Dan told him overdramatically, throwing his hands up in surrender.

“I’m sorry. Would you like advice?” Phil offered.

“Yes.”

“If you’re giving handjobs, start with what you do to yourself.”

“That’s actually probably pretty relevant.” Dan said with a nod, mentally forgiving Phil for the ‘hard’ comment.

“It is. And yes, it’s kind of hard for most people for a while. And one night stands are always a bit hard if you care about actually making the other person feel good and not just in getting yourself off. But people mostly will let you know if something’s working for them. You just have to pay attention.” Phil shrugged, as if it was that easy, and Dan gnawed on his lip.

“People fake it, though. I will probably never really work out if my ex-girlfriend was faking it or not. I mean, I tried but…”

“Well, I’ll be honest, it’s harder with girls. Especially since it’s easier for them to fake it… But, I’d also… be lying if I said I had a heap of experience in that particular area.” For the first time, Dan witnessed Phil looking slightly bashful.

“When was the last time you did something with a girl, then?” he said, trying not to get into gentle ribbing, just in case this wasn’t an acceptable joking topic.

“I would have been like… your age, maybe a bit older?”

“That makes me feel really young.” Phil looked at him, suddenly quite serious.

“You  _are_. You have time to get better at sex you know. Most people are shit at it until they’re well out of their teens.”

“Well, I don’t want to be most people.” Dan mumbled. Phil rolled his eyes and reverted back to teasing.

“Then you might need to practise a bit more. And from what you’ve told me, you’re not so good at having sex without feelings.”

“Oh, shut up.” 

“That isn’t a bad thing.”

“It sounds like one when you say it like that!” Dan protested, refusing to look at Phil.

“It’s not my style but it’s a style I respect.”

“It just… feel patronising coming from you when you’ve done everything under the sun.” Phil’s mouth dropped open, forming a perfect ‘O’ shape.

“My honour is offended!” He declared over dramatically.

“Slut.”

“Virgin.”

“That isn’t even true!” Dan protested, eyebrows shooting down and grumpy face appearing.

“Fine, inexperienced.” Phil corrected, smirking like he’d won. He probably had.

“Shut up.” Dan said, shoving him and looking away. He must have looked as wounded as he felt, because Phil shoved him gently and told him,

“I’m kidding, you started it.”

“Yeah, but you’re proud of your sexual prowess. I’m… not that proud of my inexperience.” Dan said, rolling over as if he were about to sleep. He briefly considered that he might. He was rather exhausted.

“I’m sorry.” Phil said, propping his head on Dan’s upper arm. Dan grinned a little.

“It’s fine.” He told him, reaching an arm up to pat his head.

“Are you mad at me?” Phil asked, sounding like a scared child who just admitted to their mother that they broke a vase.

“No, course not. I’m just… I don’t know, tired and embarrassed.” Dan said, rolling over to look at Phil.

“Don’t be embarrassed, it’s not anything to be ashamed of. And I’m not actually laughing at you.” Phil promised, face serious.

“I know.” Dan told him, offering him a small smile.

“Do you want to sleep?”

“Maybe.” That ‘maybe’ was taken as a ‘yes’. Phil switched off the light and nuzzled his head into Dan’s neck, not holding him, just pressed close. Dan would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it.

***

When Dan woke up the next morning, he wasn’t as surprised as he figured he should be when he felt Phil’s hard-on against his back.

“Uh, Phil?” he mumbled, knowing it wouldn’t wake his best friend, but he felt slightly weird about touching him while he was in that kind of state, even on the shoulder. “I, uh… Hey Phil” he said again, louder this time. Phil stirred in the slightest, but didn’t wake. “Fucking hell… Phil!’ he groaned, finally seizing his upper arm and shaking Phil until the boy woke up. 

“What is it, Dan?” he asked, his blue eyes hazy and sleepy.

“Your cock disturbed my slumber, I decided to disturb yours.” Dan joked gesturing vaguely in the direction of Phil’s crotch. Phil’s eyes widened, and he took a moment to take in the situation.

“Oh, fucking… Dan, I’m sorry.” He said, burying his head in the pillow. Dan laughed, happy to be in the position of power for once. He went against the part of him that wanted to make Phil feel awkward and guilty for fun, because that would be just a little too cruel.

“I am also in possession of one, Phil.” Dan told him, patting his shoulder exaggeratedly. “I get how it is. Additionally, I am still a horny  teenager, I think I get how it is more than you do.” He heard Phil sigh in relief, pulling his head up.

“Thanks.”

“Shall I clear off for a bit and let you take care of that?” Dan asked, preparing to leave the bed. Phil shook his head.

“If anyone should be clearing off, I should. I can head to the bathroom, I guess.” Phil said, but made no move yet. They locked eyes for a long moment. It was weirdly tense.

“Or, option three, I see if my oral sex skills are worth bragging about.” He joked, trying to break the tension.

“I know you’re kidding but that sounds kind of appealing.” Phil said, his tone joking but his facial expression almost serious. Dan giggled, grabbing his pillow to whack Phil with it. Phil laughed along.

“Fuck off it does, you horny rat.”

“You have blowjob lips, Dan. How would it  _not_ sound appealing?” Phil teased. Dan licked his ‘blowjob lips’, eyeing Phil up and down. If it was later in the morning, if he wasn’t still kind of sleepy and if it wasn’t still kind of dark, if it felt like reality, maybe Dan would have been smart enough to say no. But it was none of these things, and all Dan could think was how  _gorgeous_ Phil was and how much he would like to experience what they were suggesting.

“Well, you are terribly good at teaching me things.” He breathed, locking eyes with Phil, the mood suddenly very tense. After a long moment of lying there. Phil spoke, spoke very quietly.

“So is this going to happen? I don’t, fuck… I don’t even know why I suggested this because you’re my best friend and I don’t want to screw that up. I’m just turned on and stupid.” Dan smirked, and moved down the bed.

“Shut up. It’s fine. Pull down your pyjamas.” He whispered, moving to hover over Phil’s erection. Phil did as he was told, and Dan wrapped a hand gently around the base of Phil’s dick, starting to pump it slowly and lightly. He moved his head down, licking the older boy’s slit and receiving a low groan. He blew cold air over the now-wet tip, and grinned as Phil let out another moan. He lowered his head again, sucking lightly on the tip, trying desperately to remember what he’d done to Patrick that the boy had liked.  He moved his free hand to slide a finger over Phil’s balls as he sucked, receiving a moan from Phil. He began to gently fondle Phil’s balls, moving his mouth to suck down along the side of Phil’s cock. He received another moan as he moved to do this, and he felt very satisfied with himself. He sucked hard down towards the base, hearing Phil groan again as he did so. He sucked back upwards and slid his tongue through Phil’s slit, teasing it over and over.

“Fuck, Dan, fuck!” Phil groaned, his legs twitching a little. Dan moved to take Phil’s tip into his mouth, and began to bob up and down. With each move back downwards, he sucked a little more of Phil into his mouth. With each move back up, he flicked his tongue over Phil’s slit. It wasn’t long before he had Phil a moaning, whimpering, twitching mess. Soon, though, he was taking a little more of Phil’s admittedly considerable length into his mouth than he really could. He pulled back off, receiving a squeak of misery from Phil.

“Phil, I need to ask a favour.” He asked hastily.

“Is now the time?” Phil breathed, sounding desperate.

“It relates to this.” Dan promised.

“Okay.” Phil managed to get out.

“How do I not gag?” he asked, bashful. Phil began to speak; his voice was low and breathy and Dan only just caught what he said. 

“Clamp one hand into a fist, lock your thumb down with your fingers, and concentrate.” Dan got the hand he wasn’t using to stroke Phil’s balls and did as he was told, before dipping back down to take Phil’s whole length in, feeling him hit the back of tis throat.  _Holy shit, it’s working._ He thought, moaning around Phil for effect.

“Jesus fucking Christ Dan, you’re gonna make me come.” Phil mumbled, his head collapsing back into the pillows, back arching. When Dan pulled back, he mumbled a quick, emphatic ‘ _good_ ’ before moving back down. Phil’s hips were bucking up into his mouth just a little, and Dan really wasn’t worried now that he wasn’t gagging.

“Close, Dan. You can pull off if you need.” Phil told him. Dan didn’t need to. He sucked Phil harder, running his hand over his balls, licking his slit, pulling every trick he could think of to get Phil to finish. It wasn’t long before he felt hot liquid squirting down his throat. He swallowed, trying to help Phil ride it out,

“Fuck, Dan, oh, Dan, Dan, oh god.” Dan felt very satisfied with himself. When he was sure Phil was finished, he pulled away, sitting up and grinning down at him. Phil grinned back a little, his chest heaving. “Your oral sex skills are something to brag about, yeah.” Phil told him, his breathing still heavy.

“Thanks.” Dan said with a blush, only now properly noticing his own arousal.  _Fuck._ He didn’t know what to do about that. All things considered, he’d probably be allowed to touch himself in front of Phil. Be he wasn’t really sure he wanted to expose himself like that. Phil was  _big_ and his stomach was so thin and the v-line of muscles that lead to his crotch actually had hints of definition. Dan had none of the above.

“You’re hard. Like really hard.” Phil pointed out as he caught his breath, a grin on his face.

“I’m eighteen, fuck off.”  Dan mumbled defensively. Phil rolled his eyes as if to say that he didn’t mean it like that, before sitting up and telling Dan,

“Look, it’s your turn. Then we’re even.” He sat up, pushing Dan to lie down as he had been moments ago. With Phil looking at him like that, it was suddenly very easy to make a decision.

“Alright.” Once he had permission, Phil pulled down his pyjama pants, and spent a long moment staring. Dan only hoped he was admiring his lower body or something similar, rather than being revolted.

“Are you always this well-groomed down here or is this for my benefit?” Phil joked, moving his head down. Dan felt a wave of pleasure as Phil swiped his tongue over Dan’s slit.

“I like to be prepared for all situations, Phil.” he joked, feeling weird as he heard how breathy his voice sounded. Phil smirked, licking him again, causing him to release a tiny moan.

“Yes with your incredibly active sex life.” Dan kneed his chest, which caused Phil to laugh, and lick up along his cock again. 

“If you don’t stop teasing me about –oh, Christ…-that I’ll smother you in your sleep.” He said, though the dramatics was somewhat broken by his moaning.

“I’m sorry, I know I’ve got to stop. It’s just so easy.” Phil said, running his hands over Dan’s inner thighs.

“Like you.” Dan teased. For a second, he thought Phil would stop, or slap him. Instead, he just shrugged.

“Okay, that was fair.”

“I’m sorry.” Dan said, despite the grin on his face.

“No you can have that one. Getting even right?”

“Yeah.”

“Which is why I’m going to do this.” Phil said, taking Dan’s cock halfway into his mouth without any warning.  Dan moaned. Phil used the same trick of flicking his tongue through his slit each time he bobbed back up, and  _God_ it felt so good. He’d never been on the receiving end of a blowjob before, Phil knew this as well, and he suddenly understood the appeal. Phil pulled off his dick and moved downwards a little further. Dan nearly shrieked when he felt Phil’s mouth wrap around one of his balls, gently sucking.

“Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!” Dan blurted, unintentionally bucking into the touch. He was slightly surprised he didn’t come on the spot. “Phil, I won’t last.” He warned as Phil moved back and kissed his tip.

“Wouldn’t expect you to.” He then back to suck again, taking all of Dan in in one swift movement. He moaned and swallowed around him, and Dan could hardly take the sensation. Phil pulled back. “Fuck my mouth Dan.” He instructed. For a moment, Dan was hesitant. Surely that could hurt Phil. But then he told himself just how ridiculous he was being. Phil knew what he was doing. He began to slowly move his hips upwards, watching as his cock disappeared into Phil’s mouth. Phil was staring at him, no doubt milking the experience of being someone’s first blowjob. He sped up, unable not to. He eventually was thrusting hard, and Phil was moaning to add the sensations.

“I’m close Phil. I’m so close.” Dan warned. He stopped thrusting, allowing Phil to pull off as he expected him to. Instead, Phil sucked harder, swallowing and continuing to moan. Dan knew he was a little too loud when he called Phil’s name as he came down his throat, Phil swallowing all of it.

“Christ.” Dan mumbled, pulling his pyjama bottoms back up as Phil moved to lie down next to him again.

“Yeah. They’re good, aren’t they?” Phil said with a wide smirk.

“Very, holy fuck.”

“I am honoured to have been your first blowjob, Dan.” Phil mumbled sleepily Dan looked at the clock. It was 6:30. There was plenty of time to work this out later. For now, he just wanted to sleep as well.

*******

They were seated on Phil’s couch, watching Wall-E, even though they had both seen it before. The room was very poorly lit, like a cinema, and despite having the whole couch to use, they were pressed up against each other on one end.

“I’m getting this weird feeling where I want to make out with you.” Phil whispered. Dan giggled, turning to face him. Phil’s face was more serious than he had expected, and for a moment, he was a little worried. _Do not fall in love with Phil do not fall in love with Phil just because someone sucks your dick doesn’t mean they love you do not fall in love with Phil._

“How the fuck did we even get here?” he whispered back. It hadn’t come out as jovial as he had hoped. Phil looked just as confused.

“I don’t actually know, to be honest. Everything… just kind of happened. And I now kind of want it to  _keep_  happening which is stupid because I don’t… think I feel anything for you like that, but you’re  _really_ good at all this. And you’re gorgeous, you know?” Dan knew he was blushing, and he knew Phil would know, despite the lighting

“You tell me from time to time.” He muttered.

“You disbelieve me from time to time.” 

“Yeah, well…”

“You are though.” Phil insisted. And Dan snapped. He hadn’t meant to, because it shouldn’t hurt because he didn’t actually want Phil like that, really he didn’t. He didn’t want to date him. But it  _did_  hurt. Because Phil didn’t want to date Dan and that was painful because Dan just wanted to be wanted.

“Yeah but being gorgeous doesn’t make you want to date me, and that’s fine, you don’t have to be my boyfriend and shit, I don’t really want to be your boyfriend, but I don’t think I can do this. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved all the time, and whenever anyone shows me the slightest bit of attention I… get attached and I’m needy and clingy and you’ll hate me because they always do. I’ll fuck it up because I’ll fall for you and you won’t fall for me. That’s how it always is.” He rambled. Phil leaned in, kissing his cheek, and pulled him into a hug. Dan was crying, just a little, and he hadn’t realised it.

“We don’t have to do anything, Dan. But I won’t hate you if we do.” Phil whispered.

“You say that now.” Dan protested, but cuddled into Phil nonetheless.

“What do you want Dan?” Phil asked, his voice breaking just a little.

“What do  _you_ want?! You need to tell me. Because I can do whatever you want but I can’t loose my best friend. You’re the only proper friend I’ve got.” Dan couldn’t look at Phil. He couldn’t. He didn’t know what answer to expect, but he wasn’t really expecting a good one.

“We’ll do that then. Friends is fine, Dan. I don’t need to sleep with you to want you around.” Phil told him, hugging him tighter.

_I sure hope that’s true._

*******

**2013:**

Dan woke up on Christmas Eve, and Phil still hadn’t texted him. He hadn’t heard a word from him at all on anything. Phil didn’t love him, Phil didn’t want him. Phil never would. He was sex to Phil and that was it and Phil didn’t care that they’d argued and when he got back they’d be back to ignoring the problem and pretending nothing had ever happened and being ‘ _friends_ ’. Phil would pretend he didn’t have commitment issues and he would pretend that Dan didn’t have the exact reverse problem and that their relationship wasn’t fucked up and that they weren’t tearing each other apart. But Dan got attached to everything. He’d even cried when he’d had to leave the stray cat at the internet café. Anything,  _anything_ that showed him even the least bit of affection, he fell in love with it. And Phil had shown him the most affection of all. He was doomed from the start. He looked down at his phone, still playing his damn Phil playlist. Stupid, hot, resented tears slid down his face again as he looked at the title of the playlist. And maybe this was his fault because really, it was just sex, it was only ever meant to be sex, and all he’d wanted was for Phil to fuck him and maybe sometimes vice versa, but then Dan got greedy.

“I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you…”


	2. drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the fact that I have no idea where they stayed after the Halloween gathering so I am probably wrong.
> 
> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/73202727087/greedy-2-drinking)

**2009**

It was after the Halloween Gathering, Dan was lying in a hotel bed, next to Phil, and they were both very, very,  _very_ drunk. Far too drunk. And now they were sharing a bed and Dan was always a bit  _frustrated_ when drunk and a tiny part of his brain kept telling him that it was a bad idea to be so close to Phil. However, he was completely ignoring that part of his brain. He was lying on his side, giggling at Phil, whose position mirrored his, and this was all a  _very_ bad idea.

“I’m glad I was there with you to keep you tame, Daniel. You’re such a sexual predator when you’re drunk.” Phil joked, giving him a shove on the shoulder. Dan scoffed in mock indignation, which only made Phil laugh harder.

“You’re all like… clumsy and giggling.  _You_ should be glad  _I_ was there to stop you from breaking everything.” Dan retorted, hating the slight slur in his words.

“You came on to people we wanted to be friends with, Dan!” Phil told him, and if it made Dan’s chest ache that Phil referred to them as though they were a package deal, no-one but him needed to know about it.

“They didn’t seem to mind that much!” he protested quietly.

“It’s because you’re so fucking cute, they’re happy you’re hitting on them.” Phil told him, causing Dan’s blush to deepen. Dan didn’t  _want_ his stomach to do that strange, squirmy thing every time Phil complimented him. Thankfully, the room’s poor lighting and the amount of alcohol he had consumed were good cover stories for his scarlet cheeks.

“If they were that happy, I’d be getting laid right now.” He said, hoping Phil would cease the compliments and mock him for failing to pick up. Instead, it backfired.

“Maybe you could be.” His stomach did that thing again.

“What?” he asked, his voice coming out a little choked.  _Please don’t ask because I’ll say yes._

“Nothing. I was kidding.” Dan hoped Phil didn’t notice his sigh of relief. He began to stutter out an explanation, to make sure Phil wasn’t  _actually_ judging his drunken nature.

“Right… Well, I’m not… the only time I have the confidence to… hit… on people is when I’m drunk. I’ve only ever done things with people other than Ella when I’ve been drunk. Well, and… you I guess.” He hated bringing it up. He wished he had managed not to. He hadn’t meant to.

“Yeah… I don’t think we were drunk then.” Phil said with a ridiculous giggle. Dan gnawed his lip.

“I don’t believe so. But, either way, you’re a hypocrite. I saw you making eyes at… at… Hayley. Why didn’t you go home with her?” he asked. He didn’t know if he wanted the answer. He didn’t know what he wanted. He was trying  _so_ hard not to have feelings for Phil. Mostly he managed. But now he was too drunk  to stop himself from feeling it all and he  _hated_ it. He hated it so much.

“Because I was already going home with you.” Phil said with a small grin, before realising how it must have sounded and bursting into laughter. “Not like that. But… I just didn’t want to ditch you and stuff.” He shrugged, and Dan’s felt like he was on fire.  _It doesn’t mean a thing, Dan, it doesn’t._ Dan snorted, trying to cover up his internal conflict.

“You probably should have gone with her. Now we’re just both going to be horny and frustrated.” He grumbled, a weird feeling in his stomach.

“There is a solution.” Phil offered. Dan could see him blushing a little, and hoping to God Phil wasn’t going to say what he thought he might. And yet, he really,  _really_  hoped he  _was._

“What might that be?” he mumbled coyly. Because he wasn’t going to pass it up, because he was stupid and because when Phil blushed Dan get weak and felt all the things he usually held back.

“You’re so damn hot, Dan. I can’t… I can’t get you out of my head.” Phil groaned, rolling onto his back. Dan hated himself, because he wanted this so much and he was so  _stupid_. Because it wasn’t just  _this t_ hat he wanted, it was  _Phil._

“Phil, fuck.” He murmured.  _Please don’t. Please do._

“I want you.”

“Yeah?” Dan pushed, because the words were right even if he knew the meaning wasn’t.

“I  _really_ want you. Every time I try to touch myself I can’t think about anything other than your lips on my cock and your face when you come. And I try to because I know what you said but I can’t help it. There’s only you.”

“Phil, Jesus Christ, you’re turning me on.” Dan groaned, hiding his ever-reddening face in the pillow. Phil giggled at him.

“I knew you’d be one for dirty talk.” He teased, shuffling towards him and sitting up.

“How did  _you_  know when even I didn’t know?!” Dan said, returning Phil’s grin, and sitting up as well.

“I merely had a hunch.” Phil told, moving his hand to rest on Dan’s knee. Dan’s eyes widened.

“Is… are we…”

“Can I kiss you?” Phil blurted, and Dan wished he didn’t have to think and could just let Phil kiss him,

“You haven’t kissed me before, though. That isn’t too… boyfriend-y?”

“I’m too drunk to care right now, I want to kiss you, you have the  _best_ lips.”

“You’ve mentioned. You can kiss me.” So Phil did. Their lips collided, and it was exactly that; a collision. It wasn’t gentle or charming, it was rough and heated and sex-driven and it was so right but wrong and Dan hated himself and loved it and it was all too much. He ran his hands into Phil’s hair, pulling him closer because he didn’t know what else to do. He  _did_ want this, he really did. He wanted it now and he wanted it no strings attached and he wanted it fast and dirty. But it was  _him._ And he couldn’t do ‘no strings’. There were always strings. And he kept thinking and hoping that it would be better this time and he could just fuck Phil like he wanted to.

“You’re thinking about something?” Phil asked, yanking their lips apart.

“Nothing. Nothing, I’m just… trying to switch off.” He mumbled, kissing Phil again and doing exactly that. Attempting to switch his brain off.

It was easy when Phil’s hand moved towards his slowly hardening crotch. He moaned, moving his hands further into Phil’s hair and tugging. Phil moaned back. Dan pushed himself up into Phil’s lap, grinding their crotches together. He could feel Phil groaning against his mouth. He knew this wasn’t going to last long. He was already close to fully hard, and Phil was no different, and they were both far too drunk for lengthy sex. Phil threw him down onto the bed unceremoniously, before straddling his hips, their hard lengths pressing against each other. Dan squeaked.

“Oh, fuck. Harder!” he begged as Phil’s hips rolled into his gently. Phil did as he was told, and both of them moaned in sync.

“Too much clothing, Dan, too much clothing.” Phil told him, moving to unbutton his trousers and shoving them down to his knees. Dan admired the sight of Phil’s lower half clad in just boxers. His legs were perfect, and he was still astounded and slightly intimidated by how big he was.

“You’re really hot, okay?” he breathed, moving his hand up to cup Phil, making the older boy let out a loud sigh.

“You are.” Phil leant down to undo Dan’s trousers as well.  He yanked them all the way off and cast them aside, unlike his own. He pulled Dan’s boxers away as well. Briefly, Dan felt vulnerable with his lower half completely exposed. “I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you so badly, oh Christ.” Phil told him as he pushed them back together, Dan feeling his cock pressed between their stomachs.

“You can. If you want.” He mumbled. Phil groaned in what sounded like a mixture of disappointment and arousal.

“No I can’t. I don’t have lube or condoms.” He added bitterly. Dan now shared the disappointment. He watched as Phil shoved his jeans aside, answering him.

“Fine. But if you think you’re getting away from this without making me come you’re sadly mistaken.” He grabbed the older boy’s hips, and Phil smirked down at him.

“I wouldn’t dare.” He stated, thrusting himself straight into Dan.

“Oh, fuck!” Dan practically screamed.

“Seeing as I can’t fuck you, I’m going to grind you ‘til you come, Dan.” Phil informed him, shoving his boxers down but not all the way off. It appeared he was too gone to bother.

“Oh, God.” Dan breathed, grinding up into Phil. The older boy leant down, pressing them together right along their bodies, and whispered in his ear,

“Do you want that? My bare cock against yours, rubbing together?”

“Oh, god yes.” Dan informed him, thrusting upwards and moaning at the sensation of Phil’s dick right on his. Phil smirked and thrust down into him, Dan crying out as he did so.

“This is called frottage Bear.” Phil said in his best teacher voice and he continued to grind down against Dan. Dan growled.

“I fucking know, I’m not that naïve.”

“I know, but I like to teach you.” Phil whispered in his ear again.

“Shit, Phil.” Dan gasped.

“Oh, God, Dan, you feel so good.” Phil moaned, moving his hands up to hold onto Dan’s neck, fingers digging in. Pleasure shot through him, straight from Phil’s fingernails on his skin to his cock..

“Harder, Phil, please. Please grind me harder. Please.” He begged.

“You’re gonna make me come.” Phil told him, thrusting down harder as Dan had requested.

“Good.” He couldn’t manage much else. He felt, rightly so, that Phil was dominating this, and he didn’t really any desire to change that. Instead, he maneuvered so his mouth was in line with Phil’s left nipple, even though that put their cocks a little out of sync, and bit down on.

“Fuck, Dan. Bite harder.” Phil commanded. Dan did as he was asked, thrusting back up as he did so, feeling Phil’s erection press into his stomach. “Oh, fuck, Dan. Oh fuck. Fuck.” Phil hovered up over Dan, giving him room to continue gnawing at his nipples but realigning their crotches. He began to thrust down again, grinding them together.

“You can go faster than that Phil. I know you can.” Dan teased.

“Oh God.” Phil groaned, moving his hard and fast and  _fuck_ Dan was close now.  _Fuck fuck fuck._

“Phil I’m gonna come.” He warned, his fingers tightening on Phil’s back.

“Go on. I wanna see you come. I wanna see you come.” Phil told him.

“Phil, oh god Phil, fuck.” Dan spluttered as he spilled over his stomach. He could feel Phil’s eyes on his face.

“Fuck, Dan you’re so hot. You’re so hot.” Phil told him, his voice softer than Dan had expected. Dan opened his eyes to see Phil’s closing.

“Come for me.” He said, digging his fingers into the skin over Phil’s spine.

“I’m going to.” Phil’s face contorted a little more and he thrust forward erratically. Dan could feel more warm liquid spurting over his stomach. “Oh God, oh fuck, Dan, fuck. Dan.” Phil kept thrusting through his orgasm, and Dan lay there, wishing he knew better what to do, other than scratch his fingers down Phil’s back. When Phil was finished, he collapsed downwards, half on top of Dan, hands still around his neck. He curled his arms around Dan’s neck a little tighter, staying close for a long moment. 

After what could have been a few minutes but also could have been an hour for all the attention Dan was paying, Phil reached over to grab the dry washcloth on the end of their bed and cleaned them up. He didn’t seem able to find the effort in his drunken state to manage to get to the bathroom, so he discarded it in the bin next to the bed.  _The staff would probably prefer that, anyway_. Dan thought idly as his brain re-entered the room. He waited for Phil to tell him they were just friends, to move away from his side and put distance between them, anything. He didn’t.

“We’ll regret this tomorrow.” Phil whispered. That hurt more than he wanted it to.

“Probably.” He replied.

“I don’t regret it now though.” He wished that didn’t hurt too.

“Me either.” He breathed, turning to bury his head in Phil’s shoulder so he didn’t have to look.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” Phil told him quietly. And now Dan was just plain offended. Because he wasn’t. If he was, he’d be more than sex to Phil. If he was, he’d count in ways that mattered to people. But he didn’t.

“Shut up Phil. I’m not.” He mumbled, even though he knew Phil wouldn’t understand the depth to which he believed that. He was starting to drift off when he heard Phil’s almost pained voice correct him again.

“You really are.”

***

**2013**

It was his father’s birthday. If there was ever a time that Dan wanted to brave Wokingham again for a few days, it was one of his parents’ birthdays. He’d been sent to grab some groceries. Things were going okay; he hadn’t fucked Phil in exactly four months, two weeks and four days. He was okay with this, he didn’t miss Phil, and he’d successfully obtained 8/11 of the things he had been sent to fetch. And then he heard a vaguely familiar voice from his right.

“Dan? Dan Howell, is that you?” He spun, and encountered familiar sound face and pale skin. His mouth nearly fell open, but he fought to retain his dignity and stopped it from doing so.

“Ella! Holy crap, Ella, hey!” he said, taking in the way that his ex-girlfriend had actually barely changed. Her hair was pixie-cut short and a dark natural red shade, but aside from that, she was exactly the same.

“Wow, it’s been so long.” Ella said, walking over to him, a genuine smile on her face. Dan was surprised at how fine he was with seeing her. He’d always supposed it would be awkward to encounter an ex. It wasn’t really.

“Yeah like four years.” he quipped, grinning down at her. He knew he’d gotten taller, but he was only now realising how much. Comparing himself to Phil had never been much help. No matter how much taller he was, he always felt far smaller.

“How’ve you been?” She asked. He could answer it in so many ways. But he chose the simple option.

“Good, yeah, really good. How’ve you been?” He was surprised to find himself genuinely curious. He wondered if it would be so easy to encounter Phil in four years. Or ten. Or twenty. Or would it still sting? Still  _ache_  down to his core? Worse, would they still being this game?

“Good, actually. Things have been good.” Dan smiled widely.

“I’m really glad.” And he really was. And she looked like she really was doing well. He was happy for her. He saw an engagement ring on her finger as she dusted her fringe out of her face. She’d always loved the idea of getting married. He didn’t say a thing, but he silently thanked gods, fate or whatever else there was that she was doing better than he was.

“You look good, Dan. You look, like,  _really_ good!” He blushed a little, and that just made her giggle, which in turn made him blush deeper. “You don’t even look different, really, but it’s just like you’ve… grown into your skin, I guess.” He tried to think back to how he was when he was with Ella. Pre-Phil. Less and more broken and miserable at the same time. Because he’d hated himself and he’d felt directionless and maybe he’d wanted to die sometimes, but he didn’t know what it was like to have Phil but not properly and be good enough to be a recurring fuck but never be good enough to consider stopping to save their  _real_ part of their relationship; their friendship. He didn’t really remember how it felt to be Ella’s Dan. Maybe he wished he did.

“I am like half a foot taller…” he joked. She smiled, looking up and taking in their height difference for the first time.

“Oh wow, you really have gotten tall!” She said, moving onto the tips of her toes, smirk on her face. 

“Red hair really suits you.” He found himself being entirely honest, and he found himself smiling back.

“I know this is kind of weird because I’m your ex and we haven’t spoken in four years, but, do you want to go for coffee And just… talk?” Dan barely needed to think on it before answering.

“Yeah, actually. I’d love to.”

*******

Dan texted his mother to let her know that he’d run into Ella so he’d be back later than planned, and they’d moved to the nearby Starbucks. They’d talked about life, and relationships, with Ella explaining that her fiancé was a gorgeous but very short man named Liam. He was apparently just about the opposite of Dan, except in that they were the two nicest boys she’d ever met. Dan found it easier to mention Patrick than to mention Phil, so in the end, he only mentioned Pat. He asked what she was doing, and he told her she’d just started teaching middle school, not far outside Reading. He grinned and told her he’d always been able to see her as a teacher, and it was true. She then asked him what he was doing, and he had to awkwardly explain the truth

“Er. Well, Youtube. I’m a youtuber. I’m… actually not doing too badly at that. I have nearly 2 million subscribers.” Her eyes widened, and she looked rather excited for him. He was glad. It was nice, being able to show someone who knew him as a kid that he hadn’t amounted to nothing like he’d thought he would.

“Holy fuck! Dan, wow!” She exclaimed, irritating a serious-looking man in his fifties. Dan had always enjoyed how her mouth was as filthy as his. She’d always been able to match him, in nearly every way.

“And I DJ for Radio 1.” She looked even happier, so completely genuine about this.  She was so full and real and Dan was hit with how easy it was to love her, even without being  _in_ love with her anymore.

“You made it! I always knew, I always  _told_ you!” she clapped his shoulder and sipped her coffee. Out of nowhere a look of recognition appeared on her face. “Wait, are you Sunday Night Dan?”

“Yeah.” He grinned at her, and she scrunched her face up, making excited fists with her hands.

“I’ve heard you!” she told him, shifting forward in her chair. “I can’t believe this, I’ve actually heard your show! I thought the voice sounded familiar. But, i mean, in my defense you do sound really different on radio.You generally sound a lot more Northern these days. You still sound Southern, but, there’s like a northern undertone or something.”

“Yeah, I lived in Manchester for ages.” Dan neglected to mentioned that being around Phil probably had just as much, if not more, to do with it.

They’d been talking for over an hour, and Dan remembered why they’d stayed together so long. They were comfortable. A good fit, as friends at least. It didn’t ache in his chest the way everything did with Phil. It was just  _nice,_ and he didn’t mind that she was with someone else now, and he was genuinely happy that she was happy. It was just  _nice_ for something to be so easy for once. But, thinking about Phil reminded him of the one thing he’d always said he’d ask Ella if he had the chance.

“Elle, can I ask you something?” he said, a little bashful, when a lull in conversation arrived.

“Yeah I guess?” she said, a slightly quizzical look on her face. Dan knew he’d be blushing again and this was harder to ask than he thought it’d be, but he eventually managed to get it out.

“When we… did you ever fake it? In bed?” Her eyebrows shot up, and she actually laughed. Dan was terrified for a moment, before she gave him a light kick under the table and said,

“What?! No! Of course not! Where is that even coming from?!” He shrugged, and told her the truth.

“I’ve just always sort of… worried about that. If I’m not much good at it.”

“You’re plenty good, in my experience, you don’t have to worry. Why would you worry?” Dan gnawed on his lip, and it occurred to him that _Ella didn’t know Phil._ He could say whatever he wanted and not worry about her telling or having prior knowledge or anything of the sort. He could tell her everything, if he wanted.

“I uh… I was seeing this guy, well I am still, I guess, maybe, and he is like… insanely good, and he’s done a lot of… things, and I mean  _now_ I’ve done a lot because I’ve been with him, but I just… we’re not dating, we’re just… fucking, I guess, and I just… I’ve only ever really been with you and him and I… Worry that when a better fuck comes along he’ll be gone.” He knew he sounded insecure and whiny and ridiculous and it would be unattractive and his friends would be mad at him for being that way. But he didn’t have to worry about being attractive; this was his ex-girlfriend who was now engaged. He felt no guilt about spilling his guts. He hadn’t ever done that; not about Phil.

“He sounds like an arse.” She said, looking a little angry. “You deserve better than such an arse, Dan.” He’d never thought of it like that. He’d never thought of Phil as an arse. He’d been so used to blaming himself that he forgot that maybe Phil has something to answer for here. He was silent for a moment. He wanted to defend Phil. He wanted to tell her how he’d held Dan until he stopped crying on several evenings when he was having a crisis, how he’d talked Dan out of suicide, paid Dan’s half of the rent just so he didn’t have to live at Uni anymore, made him feel worthwhile. But he couldn’t. None of that got past the lump it his throat. He barely managed a sentence or two of defence.

“He isn’t an arse, mostly. Outside of the bedroom, he’s my best friend and he’s a great guy and stuff I just…”

“You’re in love aren’t you? I recognise that look of yours.” Her voice was full of pity, with an undertone of frustration that Dan didn’t fully understand.

“I’m completely fucked.” He mumbled. She reached a hand out, placing it over his comfortingly.

“He’s an idiot if he doesn’t love you back, Dan.” She said earnestly. “You were the nicest guy I ever dated. Maybe even nicer than Liam. We weren’t right for each other, yeah, but you treated me so well. You’re the biggest catch. And if he can’t see that, then he’s an idiot. Also, I’m sure you’re a really fabulous fuck.” She gave him a sly half-smile, and he rolled his eyes.

“Thanks.” He said without conviction.

“I’m serious! You were good as a sixteen and seventeen-year-old, when is a sixteen-year-old boy any good? Almost never, I’ll tell you that. I’ll go weak at the knees if I think too hard about how good you’d be after practise, especially if your guy is as wild as you say.” He chuckled, rolling his eyes a little.

“I appreciate your confidence.” Her face suddenly fell a little, and in her most serious tone, she told him,

“Listen to me, Dan, and try to believe what I tell you. You are one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and you deserve someone who loves you back. Make him make up his mind.”

***

“Hey Da-why do you have the wine out?” Phil asked when he found Dan in the kitchen. When Dan had come home,  _home_ home, London home, he felt like drinking. He felt like being drunk and he didn’t really feel like being near Phil, but he didn’t know how to do this. He had no real reason to not to talk to Phil, he was his best friend before anything else. And they hadn’t  _done_ anything of that sort in months. He was just in pain over the whole thing, still, because he still loved Phil. Dan downed half a glass in one go. “Was your trip rough or something?”

“I just… I don’t know. I’m not feeling great today Phil.” He took another large swig, before Phil pulled away the bottle.

“Like old times bad?” Phil asked, and his eyes looked a little frightened. And that didn’t help because it just reminded Dan why he loved Phil so much.

“Little bit, yeah.” He said, avoiding Phil’s eyes.

“Let’s drink, then.” Phil patted Dan’s back, gentle and fond, and grabbed his own glass.

They wound up lying on the living room floor, passing a third bottle of wine between them, when Dan felt inclined to tell Phil about seeing Ella. Because he always ended up inclined to tell Phil things. And he hated that. But he loved that Phil would always listen and  _why did they ever have sex?_

“I ran into Ella in Wokingham.” He said, taking another sip of the Rosé.

“Really? How did that go?” Phil asked, sounding genuinely caring, which only served to hurt Dan more. It was easier when Phil wasn’t nice, when Phil was leaving him in bed alone, or shoving him out of his hotel room. He sort of wished he had never run into Ella because then he wouldn’t have thought about it, and then he wouldn’t be hurting over everything again.

“Good. She was never faking it, by the way.” He smirked a little to himself at that, feelings surprisingly confident. 

“Of course she wasn’t faking it, you’re excellent in bed.” He could tell Phil was drunk when he spoke. Otherwise he didn’t mention it. Not anymore.

“Not excellent enough, apparently.” He could tell he was drunk, otherwise he didn’t protest it.

“What does that mean?” Phil asked, turning to look at him. And for once, Dan saw pain in Phil’s eyes, and suddenly, he didn’t want to pursue that conversation.

“Never mind, Phil. It doesn’t matter.” He said quietly, sitting up. He watched as Phil sat up as well, meeting his eyes.

“Dan, what do you mean by that?” Dan tried to get up and walk away, but Phil had grabbed his arm.

“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. Just let it go, Phil.” He said, covering his eyes as he felt tears in them. Phil’s grip tightened. When Dan looked over, he looked angry.

“How do you do that? How do you make me feel guilty for everything?” he asked in a pained whisper.

“How do you make people fall in love with you?” Dan returned in the same tone. Phil let go of his arm.

“Why are you asking me?” he asked, his voice clear and suspiciously sober. He was so legitimately oblivious sometimes, it was amazing, and enviable.

“Because you’d know.” Dan replied in a similar tone.

“No-one’s ever fallen in love with me.” Phil said with certainty, looking at Dan like he was daring him to challenge him. So Dan did exactly that.

“I did.” Phil honestly looked shocked, and Dan couldn’t understand that. How could he not have  _known_.

“Dan-”

“No, don’t ‘Dan’ me! I warned you! I warned you that if we did this I’d fall in love with you!” They stared at each other for a long moment, before Phil leant in, kissing Dan, hard. He wasted no time getting his tongue into Dan’s mouth. Dan didn’t protest. He did the opposite. He ran his hands into Phil’s hair, tangling them in as much as he could now that his hair was shorter. He’d missed it, Phil’s hair. Their kisses were never gentle, they were never loving. They were lust and anger and pain and that’s what this was as well. Phil’s tongue was forceful against his, Dan’s fingernails dug into Phil’s scalp. It felt good, it felt  _hot,_ but at the end of the day it was never what Dan really needed. 

Suddenly Phil was pulling away and storming out of the room. Dan heard a bedroom door slam, and he burst into tears. Over and over and over he mentally apologised to Phil for his feelings.  _I’m sorry that I love you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry._  
  
Eventually, he dragged himself back up to bed, and stared at the cieling with tears in his eyes until he finally drifted to sleep.


	3. starting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/80974076979/greedy-3-starting)

**2009**

Phil’s house, Phil’s bed, Phil’s lube. Phil’s terms.

Dan didn’t mind, really he didn’t. He liked the sex, and he’d only really had sex with one other person and that whole situation was so different it couldn’t really be compared. Dan didn’t really know what he was doing, so he was more than happy for things to be on Phil’s terms.

The only flaw in this is that one of Phil’s unspoken terms was that they weren’t boyfriends and they weren’t in love and they were just best friends with some really good benefits.

And even though Dan wasn’t in love with him now, Dan didn’t need him like that  _now,_ it was a matter of time. Dan was attached. Dan was a lover and he held onto all the love he got until he suffocated it. And he was afraid he’d do the same with Phil.

*******

Dan was sitting on Phil’s bed and they were talking and they were _absolutely not_ going do anything sexual. Really, they weren’t. But as a lull in the conversation appeared, Phil brought the whole thing up and Dan’s stomach felt a little tight.

“I’m sorry. About what… happened after the Halloween Gathering.” Dan wished he could be angry. He wished he could say that it couldn’t ever happen again. But he felt different when Phil touched him, he felt alive and okay and  _attractive._ He liked it, and he was praying for no strings. Or perhaps the truth of it was a part of him thought that if he let Phil fuck him often enough, if he was good at it, if he was everything Phil wanted in the bedroom, he could trick Phil into falling in love with him. But either way, he wanted to keep it, despite everything.

“It’s alright. I wanted it too.” He said with a shrug. Phil moved in front of him to look him in the eyes.

“Yeah, but I know it’s different for you than it is for me. I’m sorry.” He sounded guilty, and that made Dan feel guilty. 

“It’s seriously fine. I keep just hoping that if I think about it hard enough it will be different this time.” Dan did not elaborate that he hoped it would be different for  _Phil_ this time.

“Is it different? So far?” Phil asked, sounding hopeful. And Dan couldn’t tell the truth when Phil asked him like that.

“Yeah. It is, yeah.” He lied. Phil stared straight at him, and he could feel his cheeks heating up.

“Dan, can I kiss you?” Dan looked up, meeting Phil’s eyes. There was lust and hesitation but also  _affection_ and Dan couldn’t say no. He could never say no to affection.

“Yeah. Yeah, you can.” So Phil leaned in and did exactly that. His lips were soft, but cold, and Dan shivered at the touch. Phil’s hand rested on the back of Dan’s neck and there was a strange gentleness in the touch that made Dan melt. His own hands moved upwards to cling to the back of Phil’s head, tangling in with his hair. Phil’s other hand moved to rest on his hip, and slowly, Phil pushed him down onto the bed. Dan let out a breathy giggle as Phil moved to straddle him. And Phil kissed him again, he kissed him and kissed him and kept kissing him until their lips were tingling and Dan’s skin was hot and flushed all over. Dan could feel Phil’s half-hard cock pressing down into his stomach, and his stomach squirmed. He knew exactly where this was headed. What he didn’t know was how he felt about it. His head was swimming and he was caught up in the way that Phil’s fingers felt on his arms and his neck and he was so aroused and he  _wanted_ this so badly but it wasn’t that simple because something in his stomach kept fluttering, like  _butterflies_ and God he wished that weren’t true.

“Dan.” Phil whispered, his voice gentle and careful. His hands were sliding on Dan’s hips, as if he wanted to take off the younger’s shirt, but wasn’t game.

“Go ahead.” Dan whispered back, pulling Phil’s lips back down to his for a brief moment before sitting up, allowing Phil to toss his shirt aside. His slide his own hands under Phil’s shirt, feeling along his back, tracing his spine. Phil shivered above him, lowering himself and wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist, kissing him harder. “Can we… are we going to…” Phil began, giving Dan a questioning and almost apologetic look.

“Whatever you want to do, Phil.” Dan whispered, closing his eyes so Phil couldn’t see the feeling in them. Phil’s lips crashed down into his again, and Phil guided his hands to take off the older boy’s shirt. When Phil lay down on top of him again, their chests were pressed together, skin against skin, and it occurred to Dan that this was the first time Phil had got their shirts off. There had always been pyjama shirts or normal shirts and he’d seen Phil’s chest but he’d never seen it like this. He shoved Phil upwards and drank him in.  Phil’s eyebrows were raised and he looked worried, so Dan hurriedly cupped his cheek and told him,

“I’m sorry, I just haven’t ever seen you.” Phil’s face softened. The sheer, unmasked fondness in his eyes made Dan’s chest feel hollow and his stomach feel fluttery. 

“I haven’t seen you either, Bear.” Phil told him, looking down along his body. He moved his hands down to undo Dan’s belt, pulling it out of its loops and throwing it to the side. Phil’s hands immediately moved to his fly, pulling his jeans down over his butt.

“Phil, this isn’t fair, I wanna see you, too.” Dan whined, a grin on his face.

“Hey, come on, I’ll get there!” Phil protested, yanking Dan’s jeans all the way down and throwing them aside. His hands scrambled up to his own buttons on his jeans, unbuttoning them in a hurry. Everything was always quick with Phil. But Dan wasn’t going to be sad about it right now. Instead, he watched Phil take off his own jeans, smirking down at him as he did so, and he enjoyed the sight for what it was.

“Goddammit, Phil.” He mumbled. Phil leant back down to press their lips together, giggling against Dan’s lips.

“You’re perfect.” Phil muttered to him, sliding down the younger boy’s boxers. Dan sucked in a breath with the cold air of the room hit his cock. Phil just grinned. Leaning down to whisper in Dan’s ear, Phil asked quietly, “Have you ever stretched yourself?” Dan nodded, shivering as Phil’s warm breath hit his ear and his  _neck._ He wanted Phil’s lips on him somewhere again, but they weren’t. Phil was hunting around in his draw, and the only skin-to skin contact right now was their thighs against each other. And Dan  _knew_ this wasn’t ‘making love’, he knew this wasn’t careful or loving sex, but he still selfishly wanted to be touched more, touched properly. He wanted Phil’s hands on him and not on a bottle of lube and the handle of his drawer. Phil finally found a condom and tossed it down next to Dan’s waist. “Dan.” Phil mumbled, closing the drawer and moving down to kiss Dan’s collarbones. Dan stifled a moan. Phil’s lips travelled further down his body, and even though Dan was getting what he wanted, it felt a bit off now that he was getting it. Or at least it did until Phil moved away, and Dan looked up to see him coating his fingers in lube. That felt very, very right. “You’ll be okay with this, right?”

“Oh God, yes.” Dan said, nodding enthusiastically. To prove his point, he spread his legs, pressing against Phil’s thighs. Phil grinned, moving to crouch between his legs rather than straddling him. Phil’s cold, lubed-up fingers circled his entrance, and he suppressed a gasp.

“But Dan, I want to hear your noises.” Phil told him with a small, soft laugh, pressing his finger inside the younger boy. Dan obeyed, gasping audibly this time.

“Phil, more.” He mumbled. One wasn’t enough, not right now, he needed to be touched more so his brain stayed offline. He opened his eyes, and Phil was grinning down at him as he slid another finger inside him, curling it upwards, searching for his prostate.

“How does that feel?” Phil whispered in his ear as his fingers curled again, his other hand sliding around Dan’s neck, making him groan.

“Really good.” He replied, arching up into Phil’s body. “Another one.” He pleaded, and Phil obliged. When Dan felt Phil’s fingers curl and graze his prostate, his legs thrashed.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Phil!” Dan groaned, rolling his hips so that Phil’s fingers hit it again. Phil groaned a little himself, pressing his fingers further into Dan.

“Bear, you’re so hot, oh my god.” Phil said, scissoring his fingers inside him.

“Oh, Jesus, Phil, another one, please.” Dan moaned, losing himself in the feeling of Phil’s fingers and shutting out all of his feelings. Phil did so, curling them up against Dan’s prostate again. Dan felt a surge of pain, and he must have shown it on his face because Phil’s lips captured his, their tongues tangling together, and it did the job of distracting him well enough. Phil stretched Dan out further, kissing him harder as he did so, feeling the younger boy relax around him.

“You ready?” Phil breathed into Dan’s ear. Dan nodded emphatically, and Phil pulled his fingers out, grabbing the lube. Instead, Dan snatched it away, putting it down beside him and tearing the condom open. He slid it down over Phi’s length, before picking up the lube and poured some over his own hand, moving to stroke Phil’s cock and covering it in lube, just for good measure. Phil moaned, pressing his face into Dan’s shoulder, and Dan smiled in satisfaction. He was determined to impress Phil, determined to prove to Phil that he was worth it. (He refused to admit to himself, at least in this moment, that he may have wanted that because maybe if he did, Phil would want him properly.)

“You’re so good, oh my God.” Phil told him, and Dan felt his heart swell.

“Get in me, please.” Dan begged, half gasping. Phil breathed in heavily, and lined himself up.

“You really, really want this?” Phil asked quietly. Dan responded by pulling Phil forward and pushing his own hips downwards, forcing Phil inside him. “Oh my God, Dan, fuck.” Phil groaned, curling his arms tightly around Dan. And that felt intimate, that felt like ‘ _making love’_ or that kind of bullshit. And Dan couldn’t do that right now. Couldn’t do this with Phil when his heart kept caving in every time Phil looked at him with affection.

“Phil, please.” Dan begged, bucking his hips and fucking himself onto Phil. The older boy seemed to get the hint, as he slowly started to thrust into Dan.

“Bear, you’re so tight, fuck.” Phil gasped, before leaning down to kiss Dan’s neck.

“Fuck, my neck, oh God, Phil, go harder.” Dan begged, locking his legs around Phil’s hips and forcing him in deeper. As he did so, his head fell backwards, groaning loudly in pleasure.

“Are you alright? Isn’t this too…” Phil trailed off as Dan locked his mouth onto Phil’s clavicle. “Dan, your mouth.”

“You taught me how to leave a hickey, course I’d be good.” Dan teased, before biting down on the red mark he’d left. Phil gasped again. “And no, it’s not too much. Please.” Phil attached their lips again and thrust into Dan, moaning into Dan’s mouth as he did so.

“Oh, God, you feel so good.” He mumbled, his lips still against Dan’s. Dan’s legs tightened around Phil’s body.

“Fuck, Phil, harder, please.” Dan begged, rolling his hips.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Phil asked quietly, and Dan’s stomach squirmed. He wished Phil wouldn’t care, that he’d just pound into him and make him come, hard, and that he’d hurt tomorrow and they’d sleep side by side but they wouldn’t touch and it would be simple. But fuck, Phil was asking and Dan wanted to cry and scream and wanted Phil to care about him but not like he did, in a different way and a better way.

“Fuck, Phil, it does but it’s a good hurt, I want it more.” Dan begged, pushing back all of his feelings and locking eyes with Phil. “Please.” Phil slammed into once, and Dan nearly screamed.

“Fuck, Dan, please, oh God.” Dan didn’t know what he was pleading for but he wanted to give it to him, and he hated himself for it and he hated himself for the fact that he was ruining this by thinking so much. Phil began to re-angle his hips, and Dan felt him slam into his prostate. His vision blurred over and he had to ram his eyes shut.

“Christ, Phil, fuck, shit, fuck.” Dan groaned in rapid succession. “Fuck, if you do that again I won’t last, at all.” Phil let out a small laugh and buried his head in Dan’s neck, placing kisses along it again.

“Don’t worry, I don’t know how long I’ll last with you clenching around me and making noises in my ear. Your sounds are the best thing in the world.” Phil said, thrusting in again and the same angle and getting a similar reaction from Dan. He reached down between them and began to gently stroke Dan’s cock, in stark contrast to the severity of his thrusts, and kept his lips attached to Dan’s neck. It was only a few thrusts later when Dan was clenching around him, hot white liquid spilling over his stomach and Phil’s hand, moaning Phil’s name breathlessly. Dan tightened his legs around Phil, everything feeling just a little too sensitive in the best way possible and begged Phil to hurry up.

“Please, hurry, for me Phil, I want you to come for me, please.” The look on Phil’s face made Dan grin a little, because he could see the older boy was done for. With a gasp of Dan’s name, he was coming, bucking into Dan as he rode out the waves of pleasure. His mouth fell open and his eyes rammed shut, and Dan concentrated on his face and took it in as absolute pleasure appeared all over it. Phil was beautiful. Dan was quietly bitter about this fact. When Phil was done, he rolled over, pulling out of Dan as he did so. He didn’t seem ready to move yet, because instead of tossing out the condom or turning off the lights, he merely looked over at Dan. The younger boy looked back, and saw Phil’s eyes skating over his body. He was shaking all over, legs quivering especially hard.

“You okay?” Phil asked quietly, eyes focussed on Dan’s shaking legs.”

“It happens every time.” Dan commented as another shiver ran through his legs. All his nerves were on fire. “Just a little more intense this time. Probably because… I’ve never felt most of that before, really.” Dan admitted, though he didn’t admit that one of the things he hadn’t ever felt was the overwhelming urge to tell Phil he loved him when he didn’t even know for certain if that was the truth.

“Everything’s throbbing… I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard, Jesus Dan.” Phil told him, finally removing the condom and putting it into the rubbish bin down beside the bed. He got up to flick off the lights, and Dan’s eyes drunk in the slight of Phil’s slow, laboured movements. “Bloody hell.” Dan felt waves of satisfaction washing over him as Phil climbed back into bed, crawling under the covers this time. Now that he wasn’t moving against another overheating body, the winter air was starting to hit him, and it wasn’t helping the way his legs were shivering. His whole body felt like jelly, but he managed to shuffle under the covers before answering Phil.

“I didn’t even do anything, how could I be that good?” He said skeptically, quietly hoping for praise or at least feedback so he knew what to do next time. He heard Phil scoff.

“Dan, your body is amazing, in every way. You’re so tight and so responsive and you just… God, your noises and your legs around my waist just… you did an awful lot, I promise.” He curled his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling the younger boy in to be a little spoon. This wasn’t a new position, they’d done it before, though they were generally clothed when they did so. Mostly, Dan didn’t mind. At least he was warmer. But there was a small, unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach as he desperately tried to fight away the feelings of sadness and longing that were creeping into his thoughts as he reminded himself that this was _totally platonic cuddling_ or something equally absurd-sounding. Because he and Phil weren’t in love and they never would be. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, and he was incredibly glad that Phil couldn’t see.

*******

The next morning, at around eleven, they were sprawled on Phil’s couch, playing Mario Kart. Dan was winning, until Phil said, out of nowhere,

“Do you want to make a thing of this?” Dan immediately fell of Rainbow Road, and gave up hope. When Phil paused the game, he turned to look at him.

“Of what? The… sex… thing.” Dan asked, trying his best not to sound nervous, even though he could feel the blush rising in his cheeks. Phil refused to look him in the eye.

“Yes, that.” Phil mumbled. Dan put his controller down in his lap and his brain went into overdrive. On the one hand, he really, really didn’t want to make a thing of it, because he could already feel himself getting attached and his stomach hurt just talking about this. But on the other hand it felt  _good_ and Phil made him feel so attractiveand Phil knew just how to touch him and where to touch him and he apparently knew how to do the same for Phil and maybe, just maybe, if he tried hard enough, if they blurred the lines between friendship and something else often enough, Phil would fall for him, too.

“Only if you’re okay with that.” The words were coming from his mouth before he’d actually made a decision, and he spent an awful lot of time hating himself for it later on.

“We’ll need rules.” Phil said, still not looking at Dan, though his face seemed to have lifted a little. The fact that this made Phil happy made it almost worth it.

“Probably.” Dan said, to make sure he didn’t say anything compromising. “Have you got any?”

“If someone else comes along for either of us, we drop it immediately. I don’t want you to give up a shot at something real because you… I don’t know, don’t want to hurt me or anything.” Phil said, and Dan was thoroughly shocked when he stumbled and stuttered over some of the words. This was Phil, after all. Phil always knew what he was doing, he was confident and brave and he wouldn’t ever be intimidated by anything Dan could do or say. Except that maybe, in this case, just this once, he was, because theoretically, Dan could reject him. It was a ridiculous idea, of course, and Dan didn’t know where Phil could have got it, because Dan would never say no to Phil. But theoretically, it was possible. For the briefest of moments, Dan held the power. And it took him all of three seconds to give it up again.

“Same goes for you.” Dan said, relieved as all hell that his voice didn’t come out choked.

“Yeah…” Phil said, nodding. He looked like he was going to unpause the game, but Dan doubted that even Phil could concentrate after the conversation that they had just had. His mind started wondering, and before he knew it, he was asking questions.

“I take it this isn’t going to be like… an exclusive thing? Like… I don’t mean to sound bitchy but you’ll probably have other people, even if it’s just a one night stand?” He watched as Phil gnawed on his own lip, and he hated himself for asking the question because Phil looked almost guilty.

“Uh… well, probably.” He admitted quietly. 

“That’s… fine. Just checking.” Dan reassured, even though it wasn’t fine because Dan wanted to be Phil’s one and only and all that other shit that he had sworn himself off of after Ella and Patrick.

“You can, too, of course.” Phil added, and Dan resisted the urge to laugh. He didn’t know what was more comical, the idea of him wanting someone else or the idea of someone else wanting him.

“No, yeah, I know.” He said, faking nonchalance. And Phil, Phil just offered him a sheepish grin, and began to explain.

“And I mean… I won’t have another… one of these, whatever we are. But there might be… one night things.”

“It’s alright.” And it kind of was, because at least that was a start. He may not be Phil’s one and only but he was Phil’s one and only recurring sex partner at this stage in his life, and that was better than nothing.

“I care about you outside of this. You’re allowed to not want this.” Phil had gotten very quiet, and Dan felt his feelings being thrown back into turmoil.

“I do want it.” And it was true, he did. He just failed to mention the part where he didn’t want it at the same time. He failed to explain that he wanted the sex with Phil but he also wanted love and it was greedy of him to want both but he did anyway. Phil was now resting his head in Dan’s lap, and Dan’s heart was beating just a little bit faster.

“You’re my best friend, you know. I don’t think I’ve ever said it outside of Skype.” Dan wanted to cry because Phil cared but he didn’t care the way Dan desperately wanted him too.

“I know.” He told him, giving him a smile that he hoped looked genuine. He wanted to say it back, but Phil knew already, and right now he was feeling vulnerable enough without offering Phil any more power.

“So… this is genuinely fine with you?”

“Yes. This is genuinely fine.”

He was lying through his teeth.

*******

**2013**

They were drunk, again. Not completely out of it, but drunk enough to be kissing again even though they swore to god they had put a stop to this at the end of last year. But Phil’s tongue was dancing along Dan’s and _Jesus Christ it felt even better than it ever did before._ But his hand was also caressing the side of Dan’s face with a tenderness that made Dan feel almost ill when he came back to reality, and something in his brain snapped. He pulled back, and he said something he never thought he would be able to say to Phil. 

“No. No, this time we can’t.” he said, gasping for air and pulling himself out of Phil’s grasp.

“Wait…what?” Phil looked genuinely confused, staring at Dan absently as though what he had said hadn’t computed at all.

“We can’t.” Dan said firmly, mostly to convince himself, even if he didn’t convince Phil.

“Why?” The word sounded so pitiful coming from Phil, as though Phil was a small child being denied dessert, and Dan felt like shit. Then again, he mostly felt like shit these days. He felt tears forming in his eyes as he whispered his answer to Phil’s question.

“Because it’s tearing me apart.” Phil stared at him, still clearly having trouble processing what was going on. Of course he was, there was so much  _feeling_  in this conversation and Phil always tried to circumnavigate that.

“I don’t understand.” And that made Dan angry. 

“Yes you do. You know how I feel.” He said, and it came out with so much bitterness that Phil visibly flinched. Dan didn’t even have it in him to feel guilty.

“Yeah… I just… it’s not easy for me either.” It was completely irrational, but that set Dan fuming. His mouth started running off without his consent.

“Oh yes, another one gone and fallen in love with you! How dare I spoil your fun!”

“Dan, that’s not how it is and you know it!” Phil’s voice was too even and it hit Dan so hard because Phil didn’t even care enough to be angry. He wanted Phil to yell, he wanted him to care enough to fight back.

“How the fuck would I know it?!” And that was a lie, he knew it, of course he knew it, whenever they weren’t kissing or fucking, and even when they were, Phil was sweet and attentive and  _his best friend_ , before anything else. But he wasn’t even trying to control his mouth anymore. He was leaving tomorrow, anyway, he could just not deal with the consequences until after he got back.

“This hurts for me too, Dan! Of course it hurts!” Phil had finally raised his voice a little but the words themselves didn’t help at all. Dan snapped. He grabbed a cushion from the couch and threw it straight for Phil’s head. He’d never dream of actually hurting him,  _of course_ he wouldn’t, but he needed to throw something at him. He couldn’t do this right now. He couldn’t do it ever. He couldn’t let Phil try and turn himself into a victim of their situation when he wasn’t and he didn’t care and he was _fine._ He was always so fucking  _fine._ Dan threw another cushion.

“You know fuck all about getting hurt, Phil! You’ve taught me everything about physicality, you’ve taught me everything about fucking someone, touching someone, but I one up you in one area. I know how to love people! I am willing to fucking  _love_ someone even though I know I’ll get hurt! Because I always fucking get hurt and you’re just like the rest of them! I told you, I fucking told you that you couldn’t touch me because I’d fall in love with you and you did it anyway!” He knew he was being unfair, but he didn’t care. He just didn’t care. He was a bit too drunk and a bit too angry and a bit too in love to care for the truth right now.

“You didn’t stop me!”

“You’re the fucking adult, Phil! You always have been! You should have known better! And more than anything else, you’re not the vulnerable one! You have nothing to lose, you should have been the one with the fucking restraint! Do you really think I knew how to say no to you? Do you really think I know how to turn down whatever scraps you’ll give me?” He’d said it from the start, that he could never say no to Phil, and it just got more and more true as their lives continued on.

“Why do you assume that I had nothing to lose here, Dan? You act as though I am the fucking monster here, like I don’t care about you at all, but you know I do! I don’t care about anyone else in the world even half as much!” Dan threw the final cushion. It hit Phil’s arms where he had held them up to protect his face.

“Fuck off, you do! You don’t care enough, Phil! If you’d cared enough you would have let it go! We could have just been friends after those stupid fucking blowjobs!” Phil’s face softened, and he almost looked like he was tearing up. He walked towards Dan, a hand outstretched, taking Dan’s gently in his.

“Dan-” But Dan couldn’t take it. Not now. Not anymore.

“No, get away from me, you dick! Merry fucking Christmas, Phil. Go to hell. I have a plane to catch.” He didn’t, not yet, but he would much rather just stay at the hotel across from the airport. He grabbed his suitcase and his backpack from where they sat in the hallway, ignoring the protests he could hear coming from Phil, and storming out the door, already dialling the number for a taxi. He slammed the front door behind him.

 


	4. complicating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/81774092058/greedy-4-complicating)

**2010**

Dan never seemed to actually stay at university anymore. The first month, he had tried really hard to actually live at university and only stay at Phil’s occasionally. He’d tried it for so many reasons, trying to be independent, trying to live the traditional university experience, trying to prove that he didn’t need to be around Phil and that his feelings for Phil weren’t real and weren’t a big deal.

Unfortunately, it only took one month of this struggle for him to give up and accept that he wasn’t independent, he wasn’t going to live the traditional university experience, and whatever he felt for Phil was painfully real and a painfully big deal. And worst of all, those feelings weren’t going away any time soon.

That realisation was painful enough, but there was a worse one on the way. Dan was lying in Phil’s bed, watching the older boy sleep but unable to join him in slumber. The blinds were open, the moon shining in and make Phil’s face pale blue and shadowy, and he looked beautiful. In fairness, Phil always looked beautiful. But right now, his usual energy and enthusiasm had left him, and that was okay, because he looked calm. Dan loved Phil’s laughter and smiles and even the underlying worry that often appeared on Phil’s face, but he also loved seeing him like this, so completely calm. He deserved calm. The way the moonlight coloured him was an added bonus.

Dan was never calm. He felt like he wasn’t even capable of calm. His heart was always racing and he was always filled with anxiety or anger or, on the rare and beautiful occasion, happiness, but never calm. Even in his sleep, he would dream, and they were mostly nightmares. However, being right next to Phil as he was sleeping without fits and without murmurings and tossing and the other things that Phil jokingly complained about Dan doing, this was feeling dangerously close to calm. So he, of course, ruined it by thinking about the way he felt about Phil. He hadn’t really meant to, but sometimes he wondered if his brain just hated to be relaxed. It often felt like it. This thought didn’t help calm him at all. It only made him more irritated with himself.  _This is why you and Phil will never be more than you are, because he deserves someone who is less of a high-maintenance lunatic._

And oh, God, it hurt to look at Phil when all Dan can think about is how much he wishes he could be what Phil needed, what he  _wanted_. And there was no way he could be. He and Phil had only had sex twice since he moved here; Phil didn’t even want him like  _that_ quite as much anymore. And that hurt. What if it’s because he wasn’t good enough in bed? What if he wasn’t attractive enough? What if it was his  _personality_ somehow? Phil could have anyone. Maybe he did. Maybe he had someone else. Why did that hurt so much? Why did Dan have to hurt so much? He couldn’t help but think back to Patrick and the cheating and the way that Ella had left him because they just ‘hadn’t been working’ and she’d never explained it and the way that Lizzie had said she didn’t fancy him and she never would and how he hadn’t known how to kiss Alex and then she’d cried for the whole date and how Tom, the first boy he’d ever kissed, had then laughed at him and called him a fag and the only reason he hadn’t told everyone was because then he’d be in for it, too. Phil was just another one of them who didn’t want him as much as they wanted someone else. All Dan wanted to be enough for someone. Enough for Phil. He’d never wanted to be enough as much as he wanted to be enough for Phil. He’d never wanted anyone as much as Phil.

He loved Phil.

Oh, fuck.  _Fuck._ Fuck, this was love. He loved Phil. He was in love with him. He hadn’t felt like this since Ella, and even then, it had been different. He was in love, and he was more in love than he’d ever been before, and it was with someone who didn’t care for him, not like that at least. Phil loved him too, but not the way Dan loved Phil. Phil was his friend, and that’s all he felt for Dan. And meanwhile Dan was in love, and he was just now realising it, realising how bad it was, with the beautiful boy who was lying next to him, asleep, drenched in milky moonlight and never, ever having looking more perfect than he did in that moment. He felt like he was drowning. He was drowning and no-one was coming to save him. Because he’d done it again.He’d fallen in love with someone who would never love him as much as he loved them.

He’d probably never hated himself more than he did right then.

_******* _

**2013**

Dan didn’t really want to be back in England, and he didn’t really want to be near Phil. Going away with his family had been nice, being somewhere else without Phil and just with his parents and his brother, people that he knew beyond a doubt actually loved him, it was comforting, except for when he was up alone late and night and couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Phil. But now he was on the flight back to London and he was expected to return home and he  _really_ didn’t want to.

He spent most of the flight thinking about what to do. Phil probably didn’t know what day he he was coming back; they hadn’t discussed it. He could go to a hotel, but at this time of year, two days after Christmas, chances were they’d be full. He had plenty of friends in London that he could stay with, but the truth was, most of them were  _Phil’s friends first._ Everyone he knew, everyone he was close to, he knew because of Phil and he hated that. He wanted to go and stay with Bryony, or with Chris, but when and if Phil eventually came looking, he’d know to look there. And he didn’t want them telling him he should probably call Phil back because Phil had called them and asked if Dan was there. Truthfully Dan could probably have gone over to Martyn’s and explained the fight, and Martyn would have given him a cup of tea and the spare bedroom, along with an apology for the way his brother could be sometimes. But everyone was so tied up in Phil and he hated it. It was like being back in 2010 and realising how he felt and how he might never be able to get out of this situation he had got himself into. He was right back there, lying on that bed in Manchester and realising he was in love and that he was stuck. He was even  _more_ stuck, now. Stuck in love, stuck in Phil’s orbit. His entire life was curled up in Phil and he’d never be able to leave now, even if he wanted to. Before, when he was younger, there’s no way he would have been strong enough. Now, he’d built up the strength, but there were too many other things tying him to Phil. He’d have to stay like this, stay in love with Phil who would never feel the same and he’d just have to live with that. It was nearly as painful as that first realisation of love back in that Manchester bedroom.

He could ask if he could stay with Louise, and she’d almost definitely say yes, but that wasn’t fair. Louise had a young daughter and a husband and a life that she had to attend to.  He could ask to stay with some of his friends from school, some of his friends from university, but that wouldn’t be fair either. All the people he was close to now were from Youtube or the radio and they were all Phil’s as well. He couldn’t think of a single friend who he was close enough with to impose on that didn’t belong to Phil as well, and worse, didn’t belong to Phil  _first._ And he hated it. But more than that, he knew that he couldn’t stay somewhere that Phil would know where to find him. It’s not as though Phil would come storming around to Bryony’s, for example, and demand that Dan come home or that he talk to him. But when he worked out that Dan was supposed to be home by now, because he  _would_ work it out, he would call around and when he found out where he was he would check on him and he would call back and check on him every day until he came home. And Dan didn’t think he could handle the guilt. And he didn’t think he wanted Phil to know how he was.

He scrolled irritably through the contacts on his phone, looking for someone who fitted the criteria of a) living in London, b) not having children and families that he would disturb, c) was likely to say yes to his plead to stay and d) would not be high on Phil’s list of people he was likely to stay with. He almost wanted to just go home with his mum and dad to their house for a while, but just the thought of having to tell them everything, all his reasons for not wanting to go home, it made him feel awful. They loved Phil, and he wanted that to stay the same; he didn’t want them to hate Phil. But they would. If he said he didn’t want to go home, they’d ask why and he’d have to say that it was because he didn’t want to see Phil because he wouldn’t be able to think of a lie that would convince his mother. And then if he said that they’d ask him why, and he’d have to say they had a fight and they would want to know what about. He could say he didn’t want to talk about it, but his mother would sneakily try to pry the whole time he was there, and he’d probably eventually cave and tell her the truth. And then he would admit that Phil had broken his heart and his mother would never forgive him for hurting her firstborn baby. It was probably best if he tried to find somewhere else to stay.

And then he had it. Adam. He loved Adam, Adam was fun and really nice, he’d let Dan stay over for a night or two, easily. And Phil wouldn’t think of that. Adam had only moved to London fairly recently, and he and Dan weren’t super close. Most critically, Adam and Phil had once been a little more than ‘just friends’, and Phil  _knew_  how jealous Dan could be sometimes. He would never think Dan would stay there.

So that’s exactly where he would decide to stay.

*******

Dan didn’t actually know how it happened. He had never intended for it to happen. But now he was lying in bed, naked, next to Adam, and he hated himself even more than he had in 2009.

“I’m such an awful person, Adam, fucking hell.” He muttered, not even sure if the other man was awake yet.

“Wha’do you mean?” a sleepy voice from behind him asked. 

Without thinking, without meaning to, Dan started crying. Not just weeping, but full-blown sobbing, his whole body shaking, and he started to spill out the whole story, from when he first spoke to Phil to the awful argument they’d had before he left. He didn’t know why, at all. He could count the amount of people who knew about his fucked-up relationship with Phil on one hand, it made no sense to start blurting it out to Adam, who he liked very much but neither he nor Phil were particularly close to. But here he was, telling him everything while Adam held onto him, tears spilling out of his eyes, his body trembling and his voice shaking.

“So you see, I really never should have slept with you because this will absolutely kill him.” He breathed finally, getting his tears under control. There was a long moment of silence, and the only thing that told Dan that Adam wasn’t furious with him was the fact that he didn’t let him go.

“You weren’t uhm… using me, were you?” Adam asked quietly. Before Dan could tell him that of course he wasn’t, he would never do that, Adam was talking again.

“You just… wanted to be distracted. By someone other than him.”

“Yes.” Dan choked out, and Adam gave him a squeeze.

“I think you have the right to want that, Dan. But… yeah, it probably shouldn’t have been with me.” Dan knew it was true, but hearing it confirmed by someone else hurt more than he thought it would.

“I’m sorry.” He said, feeling more tears welling up in his eyes. Adam let go of him, and Dan rolled over to look at him, feeling thoroughly guilty.

“It’s fine, I understand.  But you should probably go home.” Adam advised, sitting up in bed. Dan pulled the duvet up further over himself.

“Not quite yet, please. I will. But I just need a little time. I’ll go today, I will. But it’s too early.” Tears were welling up again and he hated himself, he hated himself so fucking much.

“Of course, Dan. That’s fine. I’ll go… make us some coffee.”

Dan left Adam’s at two in the afternoon, but he wasn’t brave enough to go home yet. Instead, he got the tube into various places all over London, getting late lunch at nearly three-thirty, and several lots of Starbucks, and generally hopping around the city aimlessly. It was 7pm when he finally checked his phone, hoping that maybe Phil would finally have texted him. He sat down on a park bench, curling in on himself a little, when he saw that he had twenty-two missed calls from Phil, and seven from his mother. And then there was all the text messages. God, Phil must have known he was supposed to be home.  _Fuck_. He entered his conversation with Phil.

 _Aren’t you meant to be home today?_  
Dan, where are you?  
Dan, I know you’re mad at me but please text me back.  
Look, I’m sorry for what happened, can you let me know you’re alright.  
Dan, I called your mum and you ARE meant to be back. She said when you left the airport you said you were coming home.  
Dan please tell me you’re okay.  
For fuck’s sake, Dan, please, please call me or text me or message me on facebook or even call your mother so she can tell me where you are.  
Dan, I am begging you, I’m really worried, please, if you’re okay, let me know.  
I don’t want the last time we talk to be a fight, Dan. Please talk to me. Please be okay.

Dan swore to himself, and decided that he’d have to call his mum. If Phil had been talking to her, that’d explain why she’d been trying to call him. _She_  at least needed to know he was safe. (He’d call Phil, too. He would. But his mother first. For so many reasons.) He hit her name in his missed calls, and it began ringing.

 _“Daniel James, I am furious with you! Why didn’t you call?! Oh God, I thought you’d died. Jesus Christ, Dan, when Phil called me and said you hadn’t gone home… I was going to call the police if I didn’t hear from you tonight, you bastard!”_ Dan could almost laugh. He could hear the relief in his mother’s voice, and it always astounded him that she could work herself into such a state over Dan not calling back for one night.

“I’m sorry Mum. Things are a bit… things are a mess, I didn’t know Phil would call you.” He said honestly, biting his lip to keep from getting teary again as he thought about Phil.

 _“What happened? You and Phil never fight, not like this… and I know things are… complicated between you pair but…”_ Dan gulped, frowning.

“What did Phil tell you exactly?” He breathed, worrying that his mother might know everything. He wouldn’t put it past Phil to tell her to try and get her to talk some sense into Dan. It was more what Phil would define as ‘sense’ that he wasn’t sure of.

 _“Not much. He was fairly vague. He just said that you both have pretty complicated feelings for each other and you always have and that you got into a very big fight over that before you left. I knew something was bothering you while we were away… I should have asked. I worry about you, Dan. I worry about you all the time.”_ Oh God, Dan hated himself so much. His mother didn’t deserve such a difficult son.

“It’s alright, Mum. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been all mopey on our holiday. I  _thought_  I was covering pretty well. You shouldn’t have to worry about me and I’m sorry I just made you worry even more. I honestly didn’t know you’d be calling. I wasn’t checking my phone because I wanted to avoid Phil. I actually didn’t even think he’d know I was back in the country.”

 _“You’re so… you think too much and you love too hard and you get scared and I am always worried about you. I knew, Dan, I knew how… how miserable you were, when you were seventeen. But I didn’t know what to do. I was always so scared that’s you’d do something to yourself. And I’ve never gotten over that, I don’t know how to stop worrying about you. And I don’t know what’s happening with Phil but if it’s making you so sad then I want you to fix it somehow. I mean… if you didn’t want to go home why didn’t you come back with us?”_ She sounded as if she was going to cry and Dan felt like someone had punched him in the kidneys. The one thing he had always hoped for was that his parents would never have to know how fucked up everything was. He didn’t want his mother to worry about him, didn’t want his parents to think that they had let him down somehow. He tried to speak, but his words caught in his throat.

“Mum… It’s just… Beca-… Because I don’t know how to explain everything that’s been going on with me and Phil and I didn’t want to have to get into it because… I don’t want you to think less of me and I really don’t want you to think less of Phil.

 _“Dan, I couldn’t think less of you. You’re my son. I love you, and I am very proud of you. And as for Phil, well, if he’s hurt you then… I’m mad at him, but he’s also done a lot of things for you. I’m not blind Dan, I know how much he matters to you and changed your life and everything…”_ Dan’s head was already hurting from how much he had cried, and now it was hurting all the more for guilt. His parents didn’t deserve this shit, and Phil didn’t deserve it either, and he just  _hated himself_.

“Yeah… Fucking hell. Mum, I don’t… I want to tell you but I don’t know how to say any of it.”

 _“You’re in love with him, I know that much. Don’t think I didn’t notice, this just confirmed it.”_ He wasn’t as surprised as he wished he was about the fact that his mother knew how he felt.

“Yeah but he doesn’t love me back.” He said with a sigh, looking down at his hands and trying not to think. His mother sighed.

_“Has he actually told you that, Dan?”_

“Well, no but… He doesn’t have to.” Phil had just as good as said it by never saying anything. But he couldn’t admit that to his mother, he couldn’t deal with having to admit to kind of shame to his mother.

 _“I wouldn’t be so sure, Dan. And either way, you need to sort it out, alright? Whatever sorting it out might mean, you need to talk to him.”_ And he knew she was right, but he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to do that. He wanted desperately to go home, but not Phil’s house, his home, with his Mum, and his Dad, and he wanted to eat his Mum’s mediocre cooking and watch films and watch his Dad critique the soundtrack. He wanted to be seventeen.

“Yeah, yeah I will… Eventually. I don’t know. I will talk to him I just don’t know if I want to yet. It’s hard.” His voice was quiet, quieter than he’d meant it to be, and he hoped his mother could hear him anyway. He’d be okay, eventually, and he’d talk to Phil and they’d sort it out and he’d be fine. He just needed time.

_“Should I call him and tell him you’re alright?”_

“Uh… yeah probably. I don’t… want to call him right now. Thanks.” He couldn’t remember ever being more grateful for his mother than he was in that moment.

_“Well, I’ll do that. But you have to go home eventually.”_

“Yeah I know. I will.” And he meant it, he did. But just, not yet.

 _“Where are you sleeping tonight?”_ That was another issue. He supposed if Phil knew he was okay maybe he could go to Chris’s, or Bryony’s, or something. He’d work it out as late as possible. 

“I don’t know yet. I have plenty of friends I could stay with if I don’t want to go home, it’s not an issue.” And that was true, really, it  _was_. Those friends might be Phil’s friends, but they  _were_ Dan’s, and they would let him stay. He knew they would. He just had to find a way to  _believe_  it.

_“As long as it’s not.”_

“I’ll be alright Mum.” It  _would._  It  _had_  to be, somehow.

_“You’d better be. I’ll call Phil then. He’s worrying himself to death.”_

“Yeah, okay. Bye Mum.”

 _“I love you Dan.”_ He smiled a little, because even if Phil didn’t, his mother would always love him. He needed to try and remember that Phil wasn’t  _actually_  the beginning and end of everything.

“I love you, too.”

When Dan hung up, he slid his phone back into his pocket and fought to keep his tears back, headed towards Starbucks again for comfort hot chocolate while he contemplated what he would do. It’d been nearly ten minutes, in which he’d sat down, got his hot chocolate, and begun to sip at it in a sulky manner, when his phone buzzed again.

 _Your mum called me. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I’m sorry. I really am. I miss you. Come home._ That was all it to forDan to be back to the self-hating, self-pitying miserable angry pathetic person he had been this morning before Adam and his Mum had cheered him up a little bit. And that wasn’t fair. Phil shouldn’t be able to make him feel like that in 25 words or less.

 _Phil, it isn’t home. It’s a place that I live. Home is where you live with the people you love who love you. Home for me is probably Wokingham._ He sent back, refusing to cry again in public. He was cried out, anyway. His eyes were still sore from this morning. His phone buzzed again, and he wished he had the strength to just ignore it.

_What are you implying?_

_You know exactly what I’m implying._ His reply was bitter and he knew it, but maybe Phil deserved a little bit of bitterness right now. Or so Dan thought until after he had sent it when he remembered that he had just had sex with the closest thing to an ex-boyfriend that Phil had. He mentally cursed himself as he read the message Phil sent back.

 _It IS home. It’s home for me and if that’s your reasoning, it SHOULD be home to you._ He felt a lot of things in that moment, and he didn’t know how to identify most of them but one thing he was sure he felt was sick to his stomach.

 _You say that now, but when I come back you’ll be back to ignoring me or treating me like crap until you’re horny, or worse, being NICE and letting me believe that maybe there is something there when there isn’t._ And Dan was about to cry again, so he was very glad he got his hot chocolate to-go, because he needed to get out of the light where everyone would be able to see him crying.

 _There is. Please come home so we can talk about this in person._ Dan started to move towards the nearest tube station, ready to toughen up and go home to face the music.

_You’ll hate me when I tell you what I did._

_I won’t. Come home._ Dan sighed heavily, wasting precious hope on tube delays.

_I am coming home. But you will._


	5. trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek if Phil had a sofa bed in his 2010 apartment pretend he did.
> 
> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/81962857468/greedy-5-trying)

**2010**

Dan was sitting on Phil’s sofa, with Phil’s head in his lap, idly stroking his hair as they watched  _Moulin Rouge!_ for the 800th time.

“Christian kind of annoys me here. Like, they agreed, she’d have to sleep with the other guy, they established that it had to happen, they’ve got pretty good reasons for it happening. But he gets all possessive anyway.” Phil rambled as  _El Tango Del Roxanne_ played on the television. Dan looked down at him, a little afraid that Phil was actually talking about them. But Dan hadn’t done anything, Dan hadn’t asked Phil not to sleep with other people, and he’d covered up the way it gnawed at him that Phil had. He was good enough of an actor to manage  _that_ much. Phil wasn’t allowed to be talking about him. If he had a problem, he should just come out and say it. And besides, what did Phil know about being cheated on? Dan didn’t know what to feel and his mouth was talking before his head had really given it permission to.

“I mean, I get where you’re coming from, but like… have you ever been cheated on? Even if you know about it, it’s painful, you know.” And he realised exactly what he’d sort-of confessed and he mentally cursed himself.

“No, I haven’t been cheated on.” Phil’s voice sounded a little vague, and far away. Dan wished he could know what Phil was thinking. He looked down at the older boy just as Phil looked up at him. “But it sounds as though  _you_  have.”

“Yeah… Well… I…” Phil was his best friend, and he really, really wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell someone the truth. He’d never told anyone and he wanted to tell his  _best friend_ , even if things were weird and complicated between them. “Okay well I haven’t told anyone else this so you can’t like… laugh at me or judge me or anything.”

“I’m not going to laugh at you or judge you, Dan. As if I’d ever have the right to, you know what I was like in university.” Phil offered him his joking little grin. Dan returned the look.

“Hah, yes.” He rolled his eyes, and prepared himself for what he was about to admit. “Well… Okay so you know how before… you, there was a guy, once. I’d given… a blowjob once before.”

“Yeah?” Phil was looking up at him with genuine care and curiosity, and all Dan could think was that he was so grateful that Phil didn’t think this was about  _him_.

“Well, the guy in question was actually my boyfriend. Briefly. We were going out for like a month? Or about a month, maybe a bit more. I’m not entirely sure.” He was rambling, he knew he was, and he would probably keep rambling. “But I was dumb and naïve and barely eighteen and I’d never dated a boy before, I’d only  _properly_  dated one person before at all and that started when we were fourteen… I didn’t realise that some people don’t like to be exclusive. So when I dated that guy, Patrick, he was sleeping with someone else. And like… I think if he’d been honest and said that he wanted…. And open relationship or something… I probably would have been okay. I mean if I am dating someone, I would rather be the only person that they’re seeing but I… he’d… if he’d wanted to be open I would have tried it because I liked him so much… and I just… I wanted him to be happy? And I wanted him to like me, too.” 

There were so many ways that Phil could interpret that and make it about them, and Dan couldn’t bare to look at him just in case he was doing exactly that.

“But he was secretive about it, and when someone else told me about it, one of our mutual friends, said that they were pretty sure he was seeing someone else, and that I should watch out for that because he might be and they didn’t want me to get hurt. and then when I asked Patrick, he denied it. He said I was the only one he was seeing. And that… he didn’t mind waiting until I was ready for sex because he knew I hadn’t done it with a guy before… but… then I  _caught_  him.

I went round to his house, his mother let me in because she didn’t realise he already had another  _guest_ and his stupid bedroom door was open and… he was there, with another person. I still don’t actually know if it was a boy or a girl I didn’t see properly and they had kind of long hair… and I ran home and I cried for like an hour. And then he called me the next day, and I picked up, and he said that his mum said I had been around yesterday and then he apologised. He didn’t say what for. Like he didn’t admit that he’d cheated or that he’d lied or anything. And I said it was fine? And he asked if I could come over, and I said I was busy that day even though I wasn’t and… I said I could come over tomorrow, though. I kind of… I just felt numb, and stupid, and naïve, and I thought I wanted to win him back because I still liked him, but I didn’t. I just wanted him to care… you know? I wanted to be enough for someone. Because when Ella broke up with me she never really told me why, and I’ve never had much luck with like, dating and stuff. So I guess I just… I wanted him to pick me over his other person? I wanted someone to care about me the same way I cared about them. I felt so fucking  _faulty_ you know?” He trailed off for a moment, because he  _still_ felt faulty, and he wanted to be enough for  _Phil,_ but he really,  _really_  hoped that Phil couldn’t tell.

“There was clearly something wrong with me because no-one ever really wanted me, no-one  _chose_  me. And I wanted to be chosen. So when I went over, things got kind of heated, and well, I- I went down on him. And he said no-one else he’d ever had was as good at it as I was but, like, I’d Googled it, you know… I’m such a loser, seriously. I had to Google it because I wanted so badly to impress him. And then when I did, I didn’t feel anything. I just felt numb. I didn’t like him. I kind of hated him. I hated myself, too. I mean, it’s not like I was saving myself for the one or anything, I’d had sex before, I’d gone down on someone, but that was Ella you know? Girls are different. And it was the first time I did something with a guy and I didn’t care that it hadn’t been ‘the one’ or anything because I’m just not like that… but I was angry that I didn’t feel like I’d been good enough, even though he said I had. After all, if I’d been good enough he wouldn’t have needed to get his kicks elsewhere, he would have waited for me to be ready.” A bit like how if he was good enough, Phil wouldn’t need other people, Phil wouldn’t need to be just friends with benefits.

“So I left. He wanted to touch me back, do something, get me off as well. But I didn’t want that anymore. I think I choked out something about thinking I could do this but I couldn’t. I ran home, again, and I blocked his number and I told my mum not to let him in and that was the end of that.” Phil was quiet,and when Dan managed to look down at him, Phil’s eyes looked a little pained. Phil reached a hand up and placed it on Dan’s cheek, stroking over it with his thumb. Dan offered Phil a fragile smile, and before he knew what was actually happening, Phil had leant upwards and pressed a quick, gentle kiss to his lips, and was now sitting back, smirking a little. 

“In fairness, you can do some pretty sensational things with your mouth.” Phil joked, clearly trying to make Dan feel a little better. It worked, and he grinned back.

“Oh, shut up, you.” He gently shoved Phil, looking away, knowing he was probably blushing. Because Phil thought he could do extraordinary things with his mouth. 

“You aren’t faulty, you know.” Phil promised, placing another kiss on his face, on his cheek this time.

“Yeah, sure I’m not.” Dan said with a roll of his eyes, trying to struggle away from Phil’s grip. Phil placed his hands on either side of Dan’s face.

“I chose you.” Dan’s breath hitched, because Phil didn’t  _quite_ chose him.

“You sort of do.” It was Phil’s turn to look away, and if Dan didn’t know better,he’d think he looked a little guilty.

“I mean we’re not… like that… but we’re more like that than I have been with anyone else in a while… so I’m choosing you in my own way.” That was true enough, Dan supposed, and it did make him feel just a little bit better.

“I know.” He said, smiling a little at Phil. Phil smiled back.

“And someday someone’s going to chose you properly and you’ll be supremely happy and in love and they’ll get to experience how perfect you are at everything and you’ll get the same from them and you can get married and have like three babies and you’ll be the best Dad ever and your kids will choose you as well. You’re not faulty, Dan. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. And I love you. Just not like that.” And fuck, that _hurt_ so much because Dan didn’t want to even think about being chosen by anyone other than Phil. He didn’t want to be supremely happy and in love with someone else. He wanted Phil.

“I love you, too.” He said, nuzzling into Phil’s neck, and he didn’t add a ‘not in that way’, hoping that Phil would take it as a given, despite the reality being that he just didn’t want to lie.

“You’ve never told anyone else that? So how long have you been holding onto that?” Phil looked as though he was sad for him, and that hurt,  _everything_  hurt, why did everything have to hurt so much?

“A year and a half? Something like that.”

“I’m sorry.” Phil said, and it sounded honest. Dan settled down a little more on the couch, fixing his eyes back on the television.

“It’s alright, Phil. It isn’t your fault.” Phil must be able to see that Dan couldn’t bare to talk about this much longer, because he lay back down in Dan’s lap, and the only way that his position differed from earlier was that he had taken Dan’s hand, and was gently tracing little patterns onto the back of it. 

*******

Phil went out that night. Dan wasn’t offended, of course. Phil had been planning to go out for a week. A couple of university friends were visiting, they were going out to dinner, which was fine. Phil told him he could stay over if he wanted, to just get into bed and sleep without him and not to wait up. But he also said he probably wouldn’t be out too late. It was now 1am, and Phil still wasn’t back, and Dan was trying really hard to sleep. Phil’s bed smelled like Phil’s shower gel and aftershave, like it always did, and Dan just felt lonely at the smell. He wanted Phil to come home, because Phil would cuddle him and wouldn’t ask questions and he could pretend it was real.

It was getting closer to 1:30 when Dan finally heard the door of the apartment open and close. He half-expected Phil to be drunk, stumbling and slurring. But he sounded fine. The door to the bedroom opened, and Dan saw Phil’s outline, a little bit of moonlight shining on him, just enough to be sure it was Phil.

“Hey.” He mumbled, and he sounded sleepier than he had realised it.

“Hey. Sorry, did I wake you?” Phil whispered, shucking off his shirt, and then his jeans, and climbing in next to Dan.

“Not really, I’ve barely been to sleep yet.”

“Because you’re a dumb little night owl.” Phil said affectionately, ruffling Dan’s hair.

“You were out later than I thought you’d be.” Dan said, not really expecting an answer.

“Yeah, sorry. Things went…  _differently_  to how I thought they were going to.” There was a weird tone in Phil’s voice, almost like guilt, or irritation, or both, and Dan figured if he wanted to talk about it, then Dan would gladly listen.

“What happened then?” He offered, and Phil clamped his eyes shut as he started talking.

“I uh… well, my friend from Uni, they brought someone, to try and set me up with. And well, I went home with them.”  _Oh._ Dan felt as though his entire heart had exploded. He felt like he was back at Patrick’s door, watching him moan and buck into someone else. Except this was worse. Dan felt exactly the same feelings; stupidity, anger, hurt, betrayal, but it was all magnified. He was even stupider than he had ever been with Patrick, Phil had said from the start that the weren’t exclusive. But how could Phil do this to him  _tonight_ of all times? After Dan had just spilled his guts about everything that had happened with Patrick? How could Phil do that and not just wait for a week or something? Didn’t he care enough about Dan to just  _wait_?

“Oh.” He managed to say. Phil still didn’t open his eyes. Dan knew now exactly why he had sounded just a little bit guilty.

“Yeah.”

“Like, you fucked them?” He asked, just for confirmation. He felt anger bubbling up in him, and it took all his strength not to just storm out of the room right then.

“Yes?” Dan gritted his teeth and flipped over in bed, not wanting to look at Phil for even a second longer.

“Great. And now you’re here, sharing a bed with another person. How wonderful for you. You going to fuck me now as well like Patrick did, or are you good for tonight?” His words came out bitter and he hadn’t meant to give so much away. He wasn’t thinking anymore. Everything was just blind anger, and his stomach hurt. He thought he might throw up.

“Dan, what are you on about?” And Phil sounded annoyed with him, and Dan felt as though he was so angry he could explode.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Phil? Seriously?” he asked, his voice quieter than he thought it would be. He had expected it to come out as a yelled, but instead, it came out as broken and choked-up.

“What?”

“I told you about the shit that happened with Patrick and literally hours later you fuck someone else?” Dan realised there were tears forming in his eyes, and he hated them; the tears, himself, Phil, the person Phil slept with, Patrick, everything, everyone.

“Dan, we’re not-” As soon as Dan heard the first few words, he was rolling over and sitting up to loom over Phil in anger. Phil looked almost _scared_ of him, and that shouldn’t have felt like an achievement. But it did.

“I am aware!” He yelled, still sounded a little choked but also successfully sounded angry like he wanted to. “I am perfectly aware of the fact that we aren’t like that and we never have been and we never will be and I know that we aren’t exclusive, but  _seriously_? You’re the closest thing I’ve had to something since I was seventeen, I tell you the story about being cheated on, and within a matter of  _hours_ you sleep with someone else? You could have waited a fucking week, seriously. I would have been  _fine_ if you’d waited. Do you actually have that little respect for my feelings or do you just not care enough to think of me?” He wished he’d managed to think out his words a little more before they came flying out of his mouth, because he didn’t actually want to know the answer to that question.

“It’s not that I didn’t care enough…” When Phil trailed off, Dan’s fury built up even more.

“Then what is it, huh?”

“Never mind.” Phil said weakly, turning over to not look Dan in the eyes.

“Do you not think I deserve to know?” Dan asked, letting Phil turn and moving back a little himself.

“This whole thing got a lot more complicated than it was ever meant to.” Dan laughed without humour, his entire body starting to shake with anger.

“Oh, I’m sorry, don’t let my complicated feelings get in the road of your cock’s exploits.” He deadpanned, flinging the covers away and rolling over Phil to get out of bed.

“Dan!” Phil yelled, making Dan stop in his tracks.

“What?!” He screeched, seeing his own anger mirrored on Phil’s face. Phil had sat up, and was glaring right back at Dan.

“Just shut up, okay?! Seriously, just shut up!” Phil never yelled at him. Dan felt as though he should feel chastised. Instead, he felt even angrier. His body was shaking even more, his fists clenched at his side, squeezing his hands so tight he was sure his fingernails would start to draw blood soon enough. “I slept with someone else because you need to remember that you can’t trust me on this and that we’re not dating.” Dan’s knees gave way under him and he leant against the door frame.The anger drained from him. He just felt stupid. He was so stupid. As if Phil could love him, as if Phil could care about him enough to want to listen to Dan’s stupid little problems. When he spoke again, his voice was devoid of anger. He just sounded as crushed as he felt, and he hated how he couldn’t keep his emotion from his voice.

“As if I could ever forget that, Phil, you remind me on an hourly basis.” He muttered, ready to turn and leave and go back to the damn university, until he remembered that it was 1:30 in the morning and there was no way he could get back and he was stuck here until tomorrow.

“Yeah, but… do you  _really_  get it?” Phil pressed, his voice softer and almost apologetic and Dan could feel tears falling from his eyes despite his best efforts to keep them in.

“Yes! I do! I told you about Patrick because… because you’re my best friend, everything else is whatever, and I’ve never had one of those. I’ve never told anyone about what he did and why it hurt and I wanted to tell my  _best friend_ because I’ve been holding it in for a year and half. And then you… you just…” Phil had climbed out of bed and was slowly walking towards Dan now, but Dan didn’t want Phil to try and make him feel better.

“No Dan, don’t… please don’t cry.” Phil voice was laced with guilt and sadness and apologies but Dan didn’t care, it didn’t make help.

“I’m not fucking crying!” He was. “You don’t get it, you don’t get it at all because whenever someone has eyes for you, they’ve  _only_ got eyes for you! You don’t even  _mean_ to do it but once someone’s touched you they don’t want to settle for someone else so they never stray and you’ve never known what it’s like to be someone’s like… fucking twenty-eighth choice. And that’s all I ever am, to anyone. And I didn’t expect you to be my fucking boyfriend or anything, I didn’t expect you to take me on dates or parade me to your parents, but I thought I counted for something. I thought maybe for once I was first with you!” Dan knew he was full-on crying and sobbing now, but he didn’t care, he didn’t care anymore about any of it. Phil could think he was weak and pathetic, it was true. Phil had placed a gentle, hesitant hand on his shoulder, and was starting to try to comfort him,

“Dan, you-” But Dan slapped away his hand.

“No, don’t! Don’t touch me!” With that, he slammed Phil’s bedroom door and walked out into the living room, preparing himself for a night on the sheetless sofa bed. They hadn’t actually pulled out the sofa bed even once since Phil got it, Dan always just slept in with Phil. But that wasn’t going to happen tonight, and Dan couldn’t sleep on the couch without unfolding it, he was too tall. He did his best not to slam it down in anger, and thoroughly grateful that it wasn’t cold enough to actually need a blanket, though he did wish he at least had a t-shirt or something so he didn’t feel quite so exposed. He tossed down the cushion from the couch to rest his head on, then lay down, curling into the foetal position, and wished he’d gotten his phone out of Phil’s room so he could entertain himself. There was no way he was going back in there now, so he’d just have to be bored.

It had been nearly an hour, according to the clock on the DVD player, when Dan rolled over on the sofa bed and noticed Phil loitering in the hallway, looking guiltily in to the lounge room. He wondered how long Phil had been there.

“What do you want, Phil?” He asked quietly, folding his arms over himself.

“I…. want to come in, if that’s fine.” Phil sounded nervous and guilty and Dan wanted to feel bad for that, but he couldn’t manage it.

“It’s your fucking place, you can do what you like.” His words came out as bitter as his thoughts, but he couldn’t manage any real volume or harshness.

“Dan-” He cut Phil off before he could say anything. He didn’t have any real desire to have Phil insult him any further with excuses.

“I’m sorry I didn’t go back to the halls, it was too late to catch a bus and I was too afraid to walk.” He curled his arms further around himself and refused to look up at Phil, staring down at his knees instead.

“Dan, I’ve never once told you that you couldn’t stay. This isn’t any different.” Dan audibly scoffed, curling his body even tighter as he saw Phil walking over to sit on the other side of the sofa bed.

“It is though. You’re mad at me and I’m upset and you don’t want me here and I don’t really want to be here either.” Dan told him, hoping that Phil wouldn’t try to touch him, because if he did, Dan would probably forgive him, and he didn’t actually want to yet.

“I do want you here.” Phil said, and Dan could feel the bed moving as Phil made himself comfortable.

“Feel free to stop lying at any given point, Phil, it’s fine. No use sparing my feelings by this point.” There was a sharp intake of breath, and Dan could tell he’d hit a nerve.  _Good_.

“Dan, I don’t care that you stayed. I’m not trying to spare your feelings, I honestly don’t mind.” Dan rolled over onto his back to see Phil sitting cross-legged at the end of the sofa bed just by Dan’s legs.

“Alright then. You can go to bed now.” Phil gnawed on his bottom lip, but didn’t move.

“Dan, I want to talk.” Dan rolled his eyes and wished he hadn’t turned over to look at Phil.

“What else is there to say, Phil? You made everything pretty clear.” He said, staring at the ceiling rather than daring to look at Phil.

“Well, for starters, there’s ‘I’m sorry’.” Dan wanted to believe him, but instead he laughed humourlessly and replied,

“No you’re not.”

“I’m not sorry I slept with someone else, no. I’m sorry for my timing… and my reasoning… and I’m… sorry for assuming things about what you want and how you think.” There was so much genuine emotion in Phil’s voice that Dan couldn’t  _not_ look at him, and when he did, he realised that Phil had been crying, just a little bit, as well.

“It’s alright.” He said, even though it wasn’t. Despite everything he couldn’t bare to see Phil hurting.

“It isn’t. I hurt you.” It was Phil’s turn to sound quiet and choked-up.

“Yeah, but we aren’t like that, I don’t have get to be hurt over it.” And that was true enough, Dan supposed, but it hurt anyway.

“Yes you do. I messed up. And don’t tell me it’s alright, because it isn’t. I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have done something like that because part of the point was to hurt you because I thought that you thought… differently to how you do. And it was stupid, I should have known, I should know you well enough by now to know that you aren’t asking me to be your boyfriend. And I shouldn’t have done it because you told me private embarrassing things. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me about things anymore.” Dan had been too busy hurting over everything else to actually process that part of the whole thing. He’d told Phil something private and painful and Phil had  _intentionally_  thrown in back in his face. Now it all hurt even more. But Dan still couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather tell his stupid secrets to.

“I still want to. I just don’t think you want me to.” Phil lay down next to him, careful not to touch him but was still close enough on the small sofa bed that Dan could feel his body heat.

“I do. I want you to tell me things. I’ll do a far better job of being trustworthy next time, I promise. I’m so sorry. You are first with me. Always.” Dan wanted to believe that, as well. He really did. But even if he was first now, someone else would show up and take his place because he wasn’t enough and Phil didn’t love him like that.

“Right.” Was all he managed to say.

“Dan, are you going to forgive me?” Phil asked, and it sounded almost like a plea.

“Yes, I am. Of course. But can you just… let me sulk for a bit? Like seriously, I can’t just magically stop feeling like shit, give me ‘til the morning or something at least.” He saw Phil nod in his peripherals, and they fell into a long silence. When Phil eventually broke it, Dan’s heart sunk even further.

“Do you think I did the same thing as Patrick?” He couldn’t read Phil’s tone, and he didn’t want to look at him. He rolled back onto his side so he didn’t have to look at Phil at all.

“I know we’re not dating, Phil, I know Patrick and I were dating and we aren’t and I know it isn’t the same thing. It’s fine. Just… leave me alone for tonight. I’ll go home in the morning and get out of your hair so my feelings don’t annoy you but it hurt, alright? I can’t stop it from hurting with logic and I feel guilty enough for that without your help.” And that was true. Dan felt like shit, because not only had Phil betrayed him, but in a way he had betrayed Phil. Of course Phil was allowed to see other people, Dan didn’t have any claim on him. He just wished Phil could have picked a different night.

“Dan, I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m not trying to say that you don’t have the right to be hurt.” He heard Phil rolling over, and he knew the older boy would be staring at his back, gauging any emotion he could from the line of Dan’s shoulders. Dan wished again that he had a t-shirt and some pyjama pants on.

“Then what are you trying to do?” he asked quietly out of obligation, not sure he actually want to know.

“Work out why it hurt so I can make it better.” Phil’s voice sounded far meeker than Dan could ever remember hearing it, and that hurt more than he thought it would. He almost preferred Phil not giving a fuck and sleeping with other people at terrible times. At least that didn’t feel like love. Phil being gentle and careful with him,  _that_  did.

“Phil. You can’t. I’m not mad at you and we’ll be fine but you can’t take away what  _he_ did so you can’t stop how I feel.” He shrugged, knowing Phil would recognise the gesture from behind.

“Do you think I did the same thing?” And that was a whisper, and a guilty one at that, so Dan decided to tell the truth.

“You fucked someone else and climbed into bed with me an hour later. And worse, you did it just after I’d told you about how I once caught my boyfriend having sex with someone else and then a few days later I did sexual things with him. It’s not the same. But there’s a resemblance there You both went out, fucked someone else, and came back when you were done because you expect me to be waiting.” He was proud of himself for managing the whole sentence without crying.

“I don’t… I… You’re right, I expected you to be waiting. But you’re allowed to not wait. I won’t be mad at you if you don’t. If you go back to the halls and you don’t come over as much anymore and we don’t do anything like that anymore, I won’t stop caring about you.” Dan rolled over, looking at Phil, reading his facial expression, finding only honesty there. He hated that, too. It was too hard to be angry when Phil cared. 

“I don’t want that. I just… I want… I don’t know.” He trailed off, wishing he could spell out exactly what he did want and expect from Phil. He accepted that Phil didn’t love him, but he had thought Phil would care enough to not  _try_ to hurt him. But he didn’t know how to word that in a way that wouldn’t make Phil angry, or sad, or annoyed again. So he trailed off.

“You want to be someone’s first choice.” Phil offered. Dan choked on a humourless laugh.

“Yeah that’d be nice.”

“Well, you’re my first choice, always, and I’ll do better. I will. I won’t ever… I won’t try to hurt you ever again. I still can’t even actually believe I did it in the first place.” First choice  _for now,_ Dan mentally amended. Because ‘always’ was a lie. There’d be someone else and Phil would fall in love and Phil would fuck other people instead of Dan and Dan just wasn’t first choice material. But he believed that Phil wouldn’t  _try_ to hurt him. Phil would never be actively  _trying_ to hurt Dan by falling in love with someone else or sleeping with someone else or dating someone else.

“I know you won’t try to hurt me again, it’s okay.” He said, offering Phil a small smile. Phil returned it, still looking racked with guilt.

“Do you want to go back to bed?” Phil asked quietly. Dan shook his head.

“I’m good here. I pulled out the sofa bed already.” Truthfully, he just didn’t want to be in Phil’s bedroom right now. Being in his apartment was hard enough. He wanted to be in a place that wasn’t Phil’s area, and Phil’s bedroom was concentrated Phil. He wanted to be able to pretend to be independent again.

“Then can I stay here with you?” Phil asked in a whisper, and he sounded so nervous that Dan couldn’t say no.

“It’s your house, Phil. You can do what you like.” Phil groaned at him.

“Would you  _mind_ if I stayed?” Dan turned to look Phil in the eyes, and surprisingly, he found that the answer was ‘no’. It still hurt, but Phil wanted to be here with him even though his bed was ten times more comfortable. He was choosing Dan. Dan didn;t know how to say no to being chosen. 

“I wouldn’t mind.” He answered quietly, closing his eyes. He felt Phil wrap his arms around him, pulling Dan a little closer.

“Do you mind this?” Phil whispered. Dan was, again, surprised to discover his answer.

“No.”

*******

**2013**

Dan sat on the tube, on the way home, preparing himself to tell the truth. He was going to hurt Phil, he knew that. He’d have to watch Phil’s face fall in that way that it did and it would kill him to watch but he couldn’t lie. He’d been trying to convince himself that Phil deserved what Dan did; that he’d treated Dan badly and that’s he’d taken advantage of Dan’s feelings for him. But sitting on the tube, alone, scared of Phil’s reaction to what he’d done, Dan knew with unwavering clarity that it wasn’t a fair assessment. It wasn’t all bad. Dan would never have fallen in love if it had been all bad. Phil was the most wonderful person in the world. He’d spent three hours on the phone to Dan talking him out of swallowing a handful of pills. He’d convinced Dan that he should make videos because he’d be good at it and he’d entertain people, and then convinced all of his subscribers to go and subscribe to Dan. He’d tickled Dan until he was crying with laughter instead of sadness more times than he could count. He’d let Dan stay at his house any time he didn’t want to be at Uni and Dan had never needed to give him a real reason. He’d made Dan stand in front of a full-length mirror naked and name all the things he didn’t like about himself and he’d kissed and caressed every single one. He’d made Dan pancakes in the morning just because he felt like it. He’d taken Dan to the hospital when he’d ‘nearly died’, and then brought Dan back to stay at his house until he felt better, not to mention buying Dan endless packets of biscuits so that Dan could take his tablets. He’d held Dan’s hand when Dan had to call his parents about deferring from university, and again when he’d called about dropping out altogether. He’d paid a bigger share of rent when they’d officially moved in together so that Dan could still have money left to buy Starbucks or his bi-monthly new t-shirt. He’d lain down on the floor next to Dan and listened to every complaint and dark thought Dan had during his crisis periods. He’d gone down on Dan for forty-five minutes, bringing him to the edge and then back down and back up again several times, when he hit 1 million subscribers. He’d buy Dan things for no reason. He’d plan the whole radio show alone if Dan was feeling down. He may never have been Dan’s boyfriend, but he had always been his best friend, and he had given Dan reasons to stay alive and keep fighting when Dan didn’t think he had any. He’d never really asked for anything back. Everything they’d done, Dan had wanted it too, at the time. He hadn’t treated Dan badly at all. He’d made a few mistakes and he’d slept with other people at bad times and he’d gotten angry at Dan whenever they spoke about feelings. But it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t fall in love with Dan the way Dan loved him.

And now Dan had gone and slept with one of probably only three people that would actually  _hurt_  Phil.

He didn’t deserve Phil. He didn’t deserve all the good things Phil had done for him.

He really didn’t want to go home.


	6. ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title refers to the 2012 events this isn’t the last chapter there is one left no-one panic.
> 
> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/82893800184/greedy-6-ending)

**2010**

“I don’t know, Phil. I mean, I think it’s pretty funny. But I think it might be going just a little too far.” Dan said. Initially, that stupid video has seemed like such a good idea. Because then, at least, he’d hear Phil tell him he loved him, just once, even if it wasn’t sincere. But now he’d seen it and it had hurt  _so much_ and he didn’t want it to be public because it would be making everything that went along with it just a little public, his hurt and those moments that were just a little bit special even if they hadn’t carried the same weight as Phil implied in that stupid video and the way that Phil said it as though he  _meant_  it. Dan couldn’t share that with people, Dan couldn’t let people think, even for a second, that Phil was in love with him. Because he wanted that so badly to be true, and the more people thought it, the more real the fact that he didn’t became. “I mean, messing with shippers is fun but I think they might read more into it or not believe it was a joke. And I think it might be just a little too mean.” Phil shrugged, his pixelated shoulders a fuzz of movement.

“I suppose so. I was pretty charming in that video. I’d almost believe me.” Dan wanted to laugh, because that should be funny and this should mean nothing but it wasn’t and it didn’t and it  _hurt_. He faked a laugh and hoped Phil couldn’t pick the insincerity over Skype.

“I just think maybe it’s a bad idea to publicise it, you know? April Fools or not, if people got it out of context it’d be pretty easy to misinterpret.” Phil’s face was contemplative, and Dan felt relieved, because Phil seemed to be coming around.

“You’re probably right. We’ll need to come up with something just as evil but slightly less risky.” Dan sighed in relief. At least he could keep his private pain private.

*******

**2012**

Dan was curled up into a ball in his bed, under his duvet, crying into his pillow. He was far too familiar with this position by now. He’d been familiar with this since he was about five years old, and when he thought about that, his entire body seemed to ache with the weight of it. A person learns to define ‘happy’ relatively. ‘Happy’ for Dan had always been days at school when someone hadn’t beaten the shit out of him, or called him a fag or a gaylord, a day when his boyfriend didn’t cheat on him, a day when Ella wasn’t mad at him, a day when Phil was kissing him instead of ignoring him. And now that Dan thought about it, that was a thoroughly shit definition of ‘happy’. Dan wanted to be the kind of happy he saw in movies, when people were smiley and dizzy and content and their lives worked. He wanted to fall madly, dizzily in love without it having to hurt, he wanted to be able to recognise the friends he had as friends and appreciate them for what they are, and more than anything else, he wanted to be able to appreciate the fact that he had the luxury to drop out of university and pursue something that he loved. All he wanted was to not wake up every morning and want to stay asleep.

It was an improvement. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t an improvement. He didn’t want to die anymore, he could stand on a balcony without thinking about throwing himself off of it. He stood proudly on the balcony in their Manchester flat and he didn’t even consider jumping off it anymore. But he didn’t want to live either. Not how he had to live at the moment.

 _“Dan, I just wanted you to know that I met someone.”_ The words ran over and over and over in Dan’s head, Phil’s voice bashing around every crevice of his thoughts and feelings.  _“We probably should end it.”_  This was even worse than before. Because it had finally happened. Phil wasn’t choosing him anymore. Phil wanted someone else more than he wanted Dan. Dan was second choice. No matter how many times Phil had tried to tell him that he was first, he’d never believed it. And this was why. He’d always known this day would come, and now it had. But it hurt more than he thought it would have. Because the thing Dan had wanted most in the world, ever, was to be wrong about that, to stay Phil’s choice. He’d dared to dream about Phil falling in love with him as well, dared to dream about Phil choosing him properly. He’d dared to think that maybe one day they’d end up together, because that was the way that it always happened in films, in books, in television shows. Now, that was completely dashed, thrown out the window. Dan choked a little on his own tears, glad that Phil wasn’t home to hear him sobbing. Because everything with Phil was over.

And Dan had told him everything. Every stupid facet of his love life, from how awkward he was when he tried to ask Ella out to the way that he got a cramp in his leg causing him to trip over his boxers when he was in the process of losing his virginity and they both laughed for about five minutes before resuming activities and how he never had any idea what he was doing and how they broke up and everything about Patrick, _everything_. But Phil never told him anything. He didn’t tell him who he learnt everything from, who he was with his first time, if he’d ever dated. All Dan knew was that Phil was now at someone else’s house, the new replacement him, and probably having a far better time because whoever it was would understand not to make things complicated. He wondered if it was possible to wound your soul, because that was what this felt like. How was he going to pretend he was okay when Phil got home? How was he going to keep being Phil’s friend? Keep filming videos with him, living in the same house as him, how would they deal with the possible BBC opportunities? His life was so knotted up in Phil now that he could never leave. But how could he stay?

When Dan finally fell asleep, the pillow was damp with tear against his face.

*******

“How was your date?” Dan asked Phil as Phil muddled around the kitchen, making them both coffee. Dan hadn’t heard him get in, meaning it must have been well past two when he did. There was a satisfied smirk on his face when he turned back to Dan.

“It was really good, actually. He’s really nice… I think I’ll see him again, you know? We really hit it off. And I don’t just mean… sex-wise, you know? I like him.” Phil handed him a mug, and Dan’s heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to even find them all to put them back together. But he faked a smile for Phil, and he took a sip of coffee to help compose himself, and said.

“I’m really happy for you, then.” He was, a bit. He wanted Phil to be happy, whatever the cost. But, realistically, he had always hoped, in a tiny, illogical part of him, that Phil would be happy with him.  
  
*******

**2013**

Dan stood at the door of his own flat, not wanting to enter. He didn’t know how he could possibly face Phil after having slept with Adam. He felt utterly sick with guilt. He’d been standing there for nearly five minutes already, trying to muster up the courage. But he could picture the exact way that Phil’s face would fall, the bitterness that would make its way to his eyes. Dan had never been the one to put it there before, and he wasn’t keen to break that streak.

Finally, he managed to slide his key into the lock, turn it, and open the door. As soon as the door closed, Dan heard Phil calling out.

“Dan?!” Phil sounded  _excited_  for him to be back, and his heart broke even more. He hadn’t even thought that was possible.

“Yeah it’s me.” Dan choked, walking slowly up the stairs. When he reached the landing, Phil appeared in the doorway of their lounge room.

“Hi.” Phil said with a smile, sounding almost breathless. It took all of Dan’s willpower not to burst into tears again.

“Hey.” He replied. Phil bit his lip for a long moment, before rushing forward and hugging Dan, wrapping his arms tightly around Dan’s middle. Dan’s tears fell now, he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“I was so worried, Bear, I thought you’d died getting a cab back here. I thought you’d been mugged and stabbed or that you’d left me forever or something, Dan. I was so scared.” Phil squeezed him so tightly, and Dan wanted to hug him back, just once, before he had to hurt him, but his arms were frozen, limp by his sides.

“Phil, you need to let go of me.” Dan croaked, trying desperately to blink away his tears. Phil just squeezed tighter.

“Why? I don’t want to. I’m sorry, Dan. For everything, I am, I-” But Dan couldn’t let him keep going. He couldn’t hear whatever other nice things Phil would say. So he cut him off.

“You won’t be once you know what I did.” Dan told him, pulling backwards and wiping the tears from his eyes. He had to steel up if he was going to tell the truth. Phil looked at him, looking nervous and glassy-eyed, and Dan, just for something new and different, hated himself entirely.

“What did you do?” Phil asked quietly. Dan gulped, preparing himself for the end of any possible relationship between himself and Phil. But he needed to tell the truth – he couldn’t lie to Phil.

“I fucked Adam.” He replied, his voice an emotionless monotone. Phil’s face fell, exactly as he knew it would, and Dan was completely and utterly crushed by that look.

“You what?” Phil asked after a long moment of silence, having composed himself enough to inject anger into the question. And Dan was angry too. At himself, at Phil, at the whole situation, at life, at fate, even though he didn’t really believe in it. He was so angry, at everything, that he couldn’t stop himself from being bitter and cruel when he spoke.

“I fucked Adam. He actually let me top, it was a nice change. He’s a really good kisser, too-” Dan was seconds away from stopping himself because of the look on Phil’s face, when Phil cut him off anyway.

“I  _would have_ let you top if you…  _Fuck,_ Dan, seriously? Adam? Of all people? You had to pick someone that would hit home, didn’t you?” Phil’s jaw clenched, and Dan  _knew_ he had no right to be angry over that, but he hadn’t  _meant_ to hurt Phil when it started. He hadn’t chosen Adam with the intent of hurting Phil. All he’d wanted was to be somewhere other than here, and affection, which was all he’d ever wanted. And Phil had done this to him first. Phil had chosen someone with the intent of hurting him. Phil had made the same mistake, but he’d done it on purpose. And besides, Phil didn’t love him so why did Phil care?

“Actually for once, one thing in my life wasn’t all about you. It was about me, it was about the fact that I wanted to be with someone, I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of being with someone else, that I was worth it and that someone else could want me. It was until after when I thought about it. And then I actually cried and I told him everything and he was really nice about it. But if you must know, I feel like shit. I couldn’t be bothered trying to hurt you when this hurts me just as much.” And God, did it hurt. It hurt so much to see the look on Phil’s face right now, and it hurt so much to be so mad at Phil for something that happened several years ago and  _why_ did this whole situation have to be so ugly and complicated. Phil’s eyes had fallen from his, and he was looking down at his feet, his mouth stretched into a tight frown.

“I can’t even look at you right now.” Dan’s hands were shaking and his shoulders were shaking and he was sure he was still crying and everything hurt so much. This would never get better. He’d never fix this.

“At least when you can’t look at me, you can’t want to touch me.” He’d wanted to sound angry but it just came out broken.

“Fuck off.” When Phil sounded just as broken as he did, but with twice as much venom, Dan didn’t know what to do anymore. He’d never felt so many negative emotions at once in his life.

“You wanted me to come home. I warned you that you’d hate me.” He mumbled. He watched as Phil’s fists clenched and unclenched rhythmically, waiting for a response.

“I don’t hate you. I just… I’m  _mad_ at you.” Phil told him. There was heat in his voice, and Dan felt cheated, because he thought, at least, he’d get a bit of hurt.

“You channel all your negative emotions into anger instead of dealing with them, you know? When you fucked someone else, I wasn’t mad, I was  _hurt._ ” He said bitterly, frowning at Phil and wiping away his tears.

“Yeah well, I didn’t sleep with someone you used to sleep with.” Fuck this, Phil was going on the defensive, fine, Dan could do that, too. He wasn’t the one that had fucked around with Phil’s feelings for years. He could get defensive, and he was going to. He just had to pull the words together. Phil was turning to walk away, when Dan found them

“That’s because I didn’t ‘used to sleep with’ anyone! The only time I’ve ever fucked around with someone without it meaning something was with you! I was  _eighteen,_ for fuck’s sake. I have one person, now two, I guess, other than you that I have  _ever_ slept with properly, unless you want to count  _Patrick_. You wouldn’t exactly be spoilt for choice. Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel how I do and have to watch other people touch you? Have to know how many people have had their hands where mine have been? Being just another in the long line of Adams and Charlies and whoever the fuck else you’ve slept with on and off, being just another one of them when I feel like this about you? Even sleeping with Adam, I was just doing to him what you’d already done. You think you’re mad? Jealous? You don’t know shit about being jealous, Phil, because no-one else ever touches me. And even if they did, why would you care? You make is so clear so often that I’m not your fucking boyfriend, so what’s the problem, huh? But you know what, fine, be mad at me. Act as though it’s all my fault. Act as though I’m the bad guy and you’re innocent. But think about it. If I was getting what I needed or wanted here I wouldn’t need to fuck anyone else. Also, if we gauge it over the years, I am pretty sure I got a far heavier hand of hurt than you did. I’m going to bed.” Dan stormed to his room, slamming his door as he entered, and he knew he’d rambled again, gone off completely and lost his head. But he didn’t care. He felt a little better now, to be honest. He felt like he had finally said everything he had left to say. Where they went from here was on Phil, because Phil was the one who was holding back. Dan had let everything go, and he felt kind of okay with it. Of course, if Phil chose to leave, it would crush him. But at least they had to do something now. No more limbo, no more back and forth. A decision, a real one, would have to be made. He slid off his shirt and his jeans and slid into bed, even though it was far too early for him to sleep. He felt tired regardless, probably because of how draining everything that day had been. He picked his phone up out of his trouser pockets, and began to scroll mindlessly on the tumblr app.

It had been two and a half hours when Dan heard gentle knocking on his door, followed by it opening up a fraction.

“Dan?” Phil’s quiet voice said. He sounded as wrecked as Dan felt, so Dan didn’t argue.

“Yes Phil?” he replied co-operatively.

“Can I come in?” Dan wanted to say yes, but he wasn’t in the mood to hash anything else out yet. He was too tired and raw right now.

“Depends on what you want. I don’t feel like talking.” And he hoped to God that Phil didn’t want to talk because he did want Phil to come in and he wanted to pause and pretend that things were okay because this might be the last chance at ‘okay’ he got with Phil.

“Neither do I.” Phil croaked quietly, after a long and agonising pause. Dan sighed in relief and slid over in the bed to only take up one side.

“Yeah, you can come in.” Phil slipped in, closing the door behind him, and the room fell dark again, barring the slight moonlight shining in through Dan’s window. Phil was already in just his boxers, and Dan’s heart hurt a little because Phil’s skin always looked so beautiful in moonlight. Thankfully, he wasn’t tortured for long, because Phil quickly slid beneath Dan’s duvet, snuggling down and covering most of his skin up. They fell into a long silence that didn’t seem to be breaking any time soon, and Dan was just dozing off, when Phil’s nervous voice pulled him back.

“It did hurt, you know. I thought it’d be easier to try and be mad about it but it wasn’t.” There was a limp in Dan’s throat when he replied.

“I know.”

“And you’re right. About everything. Except the part where you said you were just another one in a list of people I sleep with on and off.” They were silent for another long moment as Dan tried to process what had been said.

“I thought you didn’t want to talk.” He said, his tone a little lighter so Phil could know he wasn’t disregarding what he had said. He wished he had a better response, but he was too drained.

“That’s all I had to say.” Phil promise, rolling over to face Dan and moving over a little closer. Dan followed suit, moving closer again, before rolling onto his side to assume a position as little spoon. When Phil’s arms curled around his stomach and pulled him tight against his chest, he remembered why he’d always thought it was all worth it.

“I love you. You know that.” He whispered, because he needed to say it without shame just once before tomorrow when they talked and probably agreed to go separate ways.

“I do know that.” Phil whispered, sounding almost pleased. They were silent for a long moment again, before Phil continued, in an even more hushed tone. “I forgive you.” Dan felt a dangerous flicker of hope, and he dared to ask,

“So we’re okay?” his voice cracked.

“I don’t know. We probably need to talk at some point.” Oh God, talking, maybe he’d hoped too soon.

“Probably.” He muttered. Phil squeezed him, placing a kiss on his shoulder. It felt like it was burning into his skin, but he didn’t mind.

“But we will be okay. I don’t know how to not be okay with you.” Phil promised.

“Me either.”

“Go to sleep.” Phil urged, running his hands over Dan’s tummy.

“I was trying before you appeared. Your hands are freezing.” Dan joked a little, just so they could go to sleep on a lighter note. Phil poked him in the stomach, and he let out a gasped laugh.

“Shut up.” Phil said, with a small chuckle himself. Dan sent his elbow back, catching Phil lightly in the ribs.

“Go to sleep.” He repeated teasingly. Things were okay. In that moment, things were okay, even if this was the last time they would be. For now, that was enough.


	7. fixing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is on tumblr [ here!](http://thespianhowell.tumblr.com/post/83412053141/greedy-7-fixing)

**2010  
**

It was dark in Phil’s bedroom. The curtains were drawn, all the lights were off, there were no phones or computers on; it was completely dark. Dan couldn’t see Phil, he couldn’t feel Phil moving at all; the only reason Dan knew Phil was awake as well was because he was still breathing too unevenly to be asleep. Eventually, Phil spoke up, so quiet that Dan could barely make out his words.

“Hey Dan?”

“Yeah?” he replied, turning his head to look where Phil would be if he could see anything.

“Do you think sometimes things are easier to say in the dark?” Phil whispered. Dan smiled a little to himself, because, yeah things were easier to say in the dark. They were also easier to  _think_  in the dark. Most of his dangerous ‘I think my feelings for Phil are more than just friendly and sexual’ occurred in the dark.

“Yeah. You don’t have to witness someone’s reactions. And it’s easier to not acknowledge it later. It feels… less real somehow.” He said aloud. Nothing felt real right now. He could pretend this was a dream tomorrow if he wanted.

“Can I tell you something in the dark that we don’t have to acknowledge later?” Phil asked. Dan had never heard him sound so hesitant. It hit him a little harder than he’d have thought it would.

“Fire away.” He whispered back, wishing he could see Phil’s face, or at least that Phil could see his. But then again, this probably wouldn’t happen if they could see each other. There was a long silence, and Dan wondered if Phil had ever said whatever it was he wanted to say to anyone. Finally, he said, in a quiet little scared tone,

“You make me feel things that I’ve never, ever felt before.” Dan was floored, and he wanted to say as much, but he wouldn’t dare. He wouldn’t do anything to make Phil wish he hadn’t said anything. Instead, he reached out, searching for Phil’s hand with his. When he found it, he seized it, and he gave it a squeeze. He was still in shock when he felt Phil squeeze back. He didn’t dare question what it could mean; he wasn’t brave enough to try and think about it. He just let the dark do its job and pretended for a moment that he was just dreaming and he didn’t need to worry about it.

*******

**2013**

When Dan woke up, the other side of his bed was empty. When he stretched his arms over, he found that Phil was nowhere to be felt. He opened his eyes, hoping that Phil had just woken up before him and was making breakfast. He couldn’t smell toast, coffee, pancakes, or eggs, so he doubted it. But it was possible, so he hoped beyond hope that nothing was happening and Phil was just in the living room or something. But when he got up, Phil wasn’t in the kitchen. He wasn’t in their living room, wasn’t in his bedroom, and he couldn’t hear the shower running. Dan crept down to the bathroom, praying for Phil to be there. He knocked on the bathroom door.

“Phil?” He asked, his voice coming out choked. “Phil are you there at all?” There was no response.

He wanted to be surprised, and angry, but really, all he felt was a dull ache, He’d thought he and Phil had gotten to the point where they couldn’t keep doing this, running and fighting and pushing. But he was wrong, and that didn’t make him angry, it just made him  _tired_ , and it hurt _everywhere,_ in every part of his head, his heart, everything hurt.

“Fuck, Phil, this is killing me.” Dan muttered to himself as he went to sit down on the couch, curling in on himself and wondering how long he could wait for Phil to come home before leaving, or trying to find someone to talk to because he didn’t know how much longer he could be alone. He wanted someone to hold him and tell him it would be okay and that Phil was an idiot for doing this even though it wasn’t entirely true. He wanted his Mum; he wanted to go home. But his Mum was so far away, it’d take a while to get there, and he’d have to tell her everything this time, he knew he would, and he wasn’t up for that. If Phil didn’t come home tonight, he’d get on a train to Wokingham tomorrow. But he wanted to wait, just in case. Maybe Phil had only gone out to get milk or something. (He would have left a note if he had and Dan knew it but he didn’t want to believe it).

*******

It had been three hours since Dan woke up, and it was now nearly 1:30 in the afternoon. He was tired of waiting, but he didn’t know what he was meant to do. He didn’t know who to talk to, if there was any point in calling Phil again and seeing if he’d pick up this time, or his Mum, or if he should book train tickets home. It wasn’t how it used to be; it’s not that he wanted to die, or that he felt even half as bad as he used to, but he hurt  _so_  much, and he was exhausted. He was so completely drained, and he couldn’t remember a single other time when he’d felt this  _tired_. Not to mention the loneliness, back with a vengeance and as bad as it had ever been. Worse, maybe, because now he knew what it was like to have Phil and then (probably) lose that. And the worst part was that he didn’t know who he was meant to talk to, to seek comfort from. He was back where he was before he’d gone to Adam’s. Everyone was Phil’s, and he didn’t want to try and make anyone mad at Phil. That and he wasn’t sure he could look Bryony or Chris or PJ or any of his friends in the eye and admit to how fucked up everything was between him and Phil. They would change the way they thought of him, even if they said it didn’t, even if they didn’t think he was a worse person, they’d pity him. He didn’t want that. He was already just about the youngest and the weakest in their circle of friends and everyone already knew how much he relied on Phil. he didn’t need their pity as well. There was only one person he could think of that he could bare to admit all of this to, and oh _God_ if Phil came home, if Phil found out, things would only get worse. But to be honest, Dan didn’t know how much worse things could get. Phil had left him, without a note, without a word, and yeah, he had to come back eventually. But he’d just cleared off for the whole day, he was ignoring Dan’s calls and texts. It was clear enough that things were pretty much done between them. So he picked up the phone.

“Hello, Dan?” An Irish voice answered after exactly five rings. (Dan had been counting).

“Hey Adam.” Dan said, relieved that Adam had actually picked up. He’d been afraid that he’d messed everything up and lost a friend to this whole situation in addition to everything else that had happened.

“You alright? You sound off.” Adam asked, and Dan sighed.

“Are you busy today?” He asked, praying for a ‘no’ so they could go and get coffee somewhere and hopefully Adam would be feeling sympathetic and Dan could sulk about his life.

“Is this a booty call?” Adam joked, and Dan was taken so completely off-guard that he snorted.

“Hah, no… I just… Jesus, that’s away to disarm a guy who was innocently calling to see if you were free!” he said, guilt throwing him off the way he had been leading the conversation. Thankfully, Adam was already on his wavelength.

“Did something happen with Phil? Is that why you sound down?” Dan gnawed on his lip.

“Sort of, yeah.” He admitted.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Adam asked, and Dan felt more than a little guilty because this almost felt like  _using_ Adam.

“I’m sorry for like… disrupting your life. I don’t want you to think that… I’m only…” Dan was entering panic mode, words were tumbling out of his mouth without his brain reviewing them, and this mode never got him anywhere, but he couldn’t make himself shut up. “I don’t know, I don’t really have anyone else to talk to, no-one knows about… me and Phil. And I don’t want to tell anyone else because I don’t want them to think… bad things about Phil, or… me, or-

“Dan, calm down. I get it.” Adam said, and his voice was surprisingly soothing, as if he really  _did_ get it. “What did he do?”

“He left this morning, and he isn’t picking up my calls. He won’t talk to me. I don’t know where anything stands and I just feel like everything’s falling apart and I don’t want it to.” Dan knew he sounded pathetic and his voice was cracking but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. He _was_ pathetic.

“D’you want me to come over?” Adam asked gently.

“Would you mind?”

“No, it’s cool, I’ll be over in like an hour.”

*******

When Adam got there, Dan offered him a coffee, which he accepted, and then they shuffled into Dan’s bedroom, because it was his safe-space. It didn’t belong to Phil as well. He had the only claim over this area. He was tempted to shut the door, claim it even more, but then it really would look suspicious if Phil came home, and more than anything, he didn’t want Adam to get the wrong idea about his intentions. So he left it open. They sat down on his bed, in a completely innocent manner, and Adam prompted Dan to tell him what had happened since he left his house. So Dan did. He said everything from the way he was too afraid to go straight home to the phone call to his mother, even showing him the text messages from Phil. And then he relayed the argument, and what Phil had said that night. He wasn’t sure at what point the tears started forming in his eyes, but he didn’t really care either.

“I just… I don’t understand you know? I know I fucked up but I don’t understand what he’s thinking, I don’t know what he wants. I’ll be anything he wants me to be, but I need to know what it is that he wants.” Dan said, curling in on himself and sipping at his coffee.

“Dan, you do realise that you have value outside of what Phil wants from you, don’t you? You don’t have to compromise what you want and feel to fit in with him. I love you both, I don’t want to take sides, but this is really hurting you. You can always  _not_  settle for something that hurts you this much, and that’s okay.” Dan met Adam’s eyes, and he knew logically that it was true, but he couldn’t help feeling that  _yes, he did have to settle because he wasn’t worth more than this._

“What is this is all I get though? What… what if no-one else ever wants me? No-one else has ever wanted me…” Adam placed a hand on Dan’s forearm, leaving it there until Dan’s eyes moved back to meet his.

“You will. You  _will_. Plenty of people want you. Don’t take this the wrong way because we’ve slept together, I’m not saying that  _I_  do. You’re my friend, and I don’t want more than that from you. But I know that you’re an amazing person and I am sure that you’ll get more than this as soon as you let this go and realise that you actually deserve more.” No matter how many times he heard it, it never seemed like the truth. That was the worst part, he wanted more than anything to believe that he deserved more. But part of him held on so tightly and he was pretty sure that it was because he was still clinging to stupid hopes about Phil.

“I just… I love him. I love him and I hate it. I kept trying to fucking convince myself that maybe we’d wind up together, because that’s the way it works, you know? In films and shit, you fall in love with someone, and they love you back, and you swan off into the fucking sunset. That’s how it’s meant to go, right?” He looked up, and Adam offered a rueful smile.

“You know, I think he does care for you or something.”

“Yeah but that isn’t enough. I’m his best friend, we have sex sometimes, but he doesn’t want more than that from me.”

“The thing with Phil… I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why,not good at anything that seems like real feelings. He’s always scared to see people like that, romantically or whatever. So he runs whenever things were getting deep. We didn’t talk about anything  _real_ until we stopped sleeping together. I don’t think he wants both from the same person because that means having  _actual_ feelings of some kind. But he’s got both with you, so the fact that he even stuck with you means he probably loves you, too.” If Dan was being honest, he had no logical argument for that. It was the exact things that his hopeful side had been trying to tell him all along, and coming from someone else, they seemed so  _valid._

 _“You make me feel things that I’ve never, ever felt before.”_  Only now, four years late, was he finally starting to believe it, or at least wonder what that could of meant. But it didn’t help. Because Phil wasn’t  _here_ was he? He’d run out in the end.

“Fat fucking load of good it does for him to love me if this is how it is anyway.” Dan said bitterly, shrugging and downing the last of his coffee.

“If I was able to get past being scared,” Dan’s head whipped around to see Phil standing in the doorway of his bedroom as soon as he heard a sound. He saw in his peripherals that Adam was just as surprised. Phil looked like he was crying, just a little, and Dan wondered how long he’d been standing there. “Then maybe it’d do an awful lot of good.”

“That’s up to you.” Dan choked, because it still didn’t help right now because Phil wasn’t past being scared, was he? Maybe that’s why he was here, at Dan’s bedroom door, because he wasn’t scared anymore. But Dan didn’t dare to get hopeful yet.

“Adam, I’m sorry, I really don’t want to be rude, you’re my friend and I care about you, but I really would like you to please get out of Dan’s room, because I kind of want to hit you in the face right now.” Adam snickered a little, because even though Phil was serious, he was so guilty and unthreatening that it was still a little funny.

“I get it. I’ll see myself out.” He said, patting Dan’s shoulder as he got up. “Well, uh, good luck. Someone call me and let me know how this turns out. Especially, erm, since I would like to continue to be friends with you guys, preferably without Phil hitting me.” Phil grinned a little through his tears, nodding at Adam as he passed, grabbing the door behind him and pulling it closed as Phil stepped out of the way.

“Hi.” Phil offered weakly once they were alone. Dan almost laughed.

“Hi.” They stared at each other for a long moment, until Dan couldn’t bare it anymore. “You left this morning.” Phil bit his lip and clamped his eyes shut, guilt washing over all his features.

“I’m sorry, I… I don’t know what to tell you or how to tell you. That’s always been the problem. There’s just so much that I want you to know and I’ve wanted you to know since long before any of this started and before it all got so messed up. But I don’t know how to talk about this kind of thing, I don’t know how to explain and what order to say anything in or how to make sure you understand.” Dan softened as he processed Phil’s words. For the first time in the light of day, he could see the vulnerability hiding underneath everything else that Phil had been wearing for years, and Dan felt like, yeah, maybe Phil loved him, and maybe he owed Phil a chance to explain.

“You should… come here. And sit.” Phil obeyed, walking over and sitting awkwardly on the edge of Dan’s bed.

“I’m glad we’re doing this in here, actually. It’s yours and you feel… safe.” Phil muttered, before looking up and meeting Dan’s eyes. “That sounds stupid, I’m sorry.” And Dan did laugh that time, without humour, because despite everything, Phil had always been on his wavelength about everything except  _them_ , completely.

“No, it’s fine. I… get it. I don’t think I could do this in your room.” He offered Phil a small grin, and Phil returned it, his eyes starting to water. “Get comfortable.” Dan said, lying down and placing his mug on his bedside table. “I feel like we’ll be here for a while.” It was an invitation, and the look on Phil’s face told Dan that he understood that. Dan was ready to listen to anything and everything Phil had to say, even if Phil didn’t know how he was going to say it. Dan was going to hear him out even if he spoke for an hour straight and didn’t make too much sense. Phil smiled, a little more genuine this time, and lay down beside Dan. After making himself comfortable, Phil was biting his lip again, and he looked straight at Dan, who moved his head to look straight back, and Phil finally started to speak. “Dan… I literally don’t know where to start. I mean… I feel like telling you that I’m sorry is probably a good place. And I am. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry that I made you feel like I was using you. I wasn’t. I never was. I’m just selfish. I’m selfish and I’m terrible. I was always scared that if I let you get in it’d be like the last time.” Phil was nervous. When Dan replied, he did it very gently.

“You never told me about that, anyway, so I don’t know. I need to know what’s fucked up, so that we can fix it.” It sounded so much like a promise, to Dan it had felt like making a promise, and he hoped to hell that Phil understood. Phil was silent for a long moment, seemingly collecting his thoughts. When he finally spoke, a lot came out quickly, but that was exactly what Dan was expecting.

“I’ve never really dated. I lost my virginity to Jess before it was even actually legal for me to do that, I was fifteen, and that didn’t bother me, but the fact that I still don’t know if she actually liked me, that does. I have no idea what it meant for her or how she felt… And we certainly didn’t date.”

“Didn’t you date like… four people last year?” Dan asked, trying his best not to sound bitter. Phil let out a bark of bitter laughter himself.

“No. I mean, I saw a few people, and I went on dates, I guess, but it was… wrong. I was doing it because I wanted to give you a chance to move on and find someone who wasn’t such a freaking  _coward._ Because I wanted so badly to make things real with us but I was too scared and I couldn’t so I ran, like I always do. And I thought that if I wasn’t sleeping with you, and if I was seeing other people… I thought it might help. That you might see other people too. I suppose I was kind of trying to move on as well, but I honestly couldn’t stomach going out with anyone more than twice because I kept feeling like if I was going to do things like that… it should be with you. Like if I was going to bring myself to try and go on dates then I had no reason not to do it with you. But then I was far too scared to do it with you because I felt so much for you and you had so much power over me and I felt like if I let you know how much power you had you’d… use it, somehow. I don’t know. So that, the seeing other people… it didn’t last. And I was never anyone’s boyfriend.” Dan was struggling to properly take in all of Phil’s words. He had to look away from Phil’s eyes for a moment so he could think a little more clearly. Phil was talking so fast, and he kept stumbling and pausing, which didn’t help, but really, the problem was the content. He’d honestly believed that Phil had been dating people. The truth made more sense but it was still disconcerting to learn. It didn’t help that he didn’t know what Phil was so scared of, or why he didn’t date properly, but he assumed it had something to do with the ominous ‘last time’. He turned his head to look at Phil again and finally managed to ask,

“So… well, what do you mean by ‘the last time?’” It was Phil’s turn to look up at the ceiling. His face looked so pained that Dan wanted to kiss him and apologise for everything that had happened, even the things that weren’t his fault, but he doubted that would help right now. So he stayed silent.

“Okay… uhm… this… I don’t know, this is where things get hard… I guess I just need you to know that with us, it was never about  _you_. The problems I mean. The sex and the feelings and the everything good, that was absolutely about you. That was us and that was definitely you. But the problems weren’t about you, they were about the last time… Okay, the, uh…the first and only person I almost dated was a boy. The thing about him was that he was gay, we both knew it, but he couldn’t accept it. And I knew that, and we had to hide it all the time and it was always a massive drama. But I… I don’t know, I fell for him anyway. I guess I should have known better than to be with someone who wasn’t able to accept their own sexuality, let alone deal with being in a relationship and having to accept my sexuality and my affection and stuff. But I guess I just thought that…”

“If you stuck around for long enough you’d be able to convince him to love you properly.” Dan breathed out quietly, looking back to the ceiling himself as the hole in his chest made it’s existence painfully obvious again.

“Yes, exactly. And then I did the exact same thing to you. I hate myself for that, you know? You deserve so much better than this.” Phil voice came out broken and Dan could tell he was tearing up again. He looked back and his eyes confirmed it.

“I don’t want someone else.” Dan whispered, reaching over to grab Phil’s hand There were tears forming in Phil’s eyes, and Dan didn’t know yet what had happened between him and this guy, but Phil was hurting and he couldn’t take it. He squeezed Phil’s hand, and Phil squeezed back.

“I’m… I’m glad you don’t. I, erm… the last time.” Dan could see that Phil was refusing to say this guy’s name, and he wasn’t sure why. “When I told him I loved him, I guess he wasn’t ready to hear it because we got into a huge fight. And he shoved me over. He shoved me hard and when I fell, I hit my head on a cabinet. I had to go to hospital. Turns out I was concussed and I needed four stitches up the side of my head. I told the doctors that I’d just slipped and the reason he was so remorseful was because he was the one who spilt the coffee I slipped on. But I also told him I never wanted to see him again. He never meant to hurt me  _that_ badly. But he did. And he shoved me. He did shove me. He never meant for me to hit my head but I think he meant for me to fall over. And I haven’t even considered dating anyone since.” Dan stared at Phil in open-mouthed horror, desperately scrambling to process what he’d learnt. His grip on Phil’s hand was the only thing anchoring him in the room because it didn’t make  _sense_. Phil had been  _abused._ But how could anyone have ever done that to him? And wasn’t this supposed to be the horror story on the news and in books but never something that actually touched you? The one thing that made sense was Phil, Phi’s attitudes, his fears. If he gave Dan any kind of power over him he could abuse it. He could abuse  _Phil_. Fuck, fuck everything, Dan was wrong, and and for the first time in years he didn’t blame Phil for a damn thing. ge regretted every moment he  _had_ blamed Phil for anything and  _fuck_ everything was so fucked up and this was so unjust. What could he possibly say? His mouth was opening, preparing to dribble out all of those nonsensical thoughts he’d been having. 

“Phil-” But Phil wasn’t having it, because he cut Dan off before he’d even started.

“No, seriously, it’s fine. I’m not… I’m not mad at you for not knowing, I didn’t tell you. And you don’t have to apologise and you don’t have to know what to say. Mostly, I’m… alright, you know? It wasn’t much. I didn’t stay long enough for it to be much.” Dan didn’t agree, because that was  _a lot._ Maybe he’d only been shoved once, but that didn’t mean there hadn’t been emotional pain and abuse before that. And besides, more critically,  _once was more than enough._

“I told you that you didn’t know anything about being hurt though.” His tone was horrified and guilty and it was all made worse by the fact that Dan almost felt like his first instinct had been to make this about himself. He should just shut up.

“Well, in fairness, I don’t really. I haven’t gone near anyone else since then.” And Phil was trying to comfort  _him_ and that was so fucked up on so many levels and Dan felt like the worst person in the world. Or at least the second worst. He found himself squeezing Phil’s hand tightly and curling into his side.

“I’m sorry for not understanding. I didn’t… I didn’t know, I thought you were just being a dick about it, or that you didn’t… that you didn’t want _me_  like that, and I was so  _stupid._ I cannot believe I thought those things about you. I am so sorry I didn’t understand.” Dan knew he wasn’t actually making that much sense, and in fairness, not everything Phil had said was completely sensible. But he knew what he was feeling and he was also feeling like he never wanted to let go of Phil ever again, as if he clung onto him for long enough it would fix everything.

“It doesn’t change the fact that I treated you terribly.” Dan’s throat tightened.

“It  _does_  though.” He protested. Because it  _absolutely_ did change that. Yeah, Phil hadn’t been entirely fair to Dan, but it made sense. Dan didn’t blame him anymore, Phil certainly didn’t have to blame himself.

“I… I guess it does. But the thing is, I guess… I knew you would never hurt me, I knew it logically and I trusted you not to as well. I knew you weren’t him and that you were nothing alike and there was nothing at all stopping me except habit and paranoia. I guess it just got to the point where I felt like it had gone on for too long and I didn’t have the right to ask for more from you. All I ever did was take things from you… I took everything you were willing to offer and I gave you next to nothing back. I did the same thing to you that he did to me; I made you feel how I did. Like you needed to  _convince_ me to love you and like you had to put up with all of my shit because if you did I’d love you back and… fuck, I never wanted to be that, I never wanted to be him. But that’s exactly what I did.” Dan sat up a little, moving to press his hands against Phil’s face, gripping it so Phil had to look him in the eye, but being careful to be gently and non-aggressive.

“You’ve never, ever hurt me physically. And you never would, I know that! Bedroom things don’t count.” He joked feebly with a tiny grin. Phil offered him an equally weak grin in return. “You are nothing like him.” He said solemnly.

“But I still made you feel that. And I cannot believe I did that to you.” Phil’s hands were reaching up to rest against Dan’s, and Dan could feel tears in his eyes.

“It’s okay.” He said, or tried to. Most of the noises didn’t come out past the lump in his throat.

“It’s messed up, is what it is. Everything between us is so messed up.” Phil sounded almost resigned, and Dan didn’t know what to say or where this was going. Was Phil ending things with him, were things too fucked up to get past, even if they did love each other? He didn’t know. His mouth started working of its own accord.

“I… It’s… I would have loved you so much, Phil, you know? I would have done anything, given anything… You never needed to hide from me or be scared that I’d… I don’t know, I don’t know what you were scared of exactly. But I never would have hurt you. All I ever would have done was love you. And that’s exactly what you’ve always deserved, just love. I just hope you know that.” Phil nodded, and Dan collapsed back down beside him, drained, but kept his hands on Phil’s cheeks as Phil turned to continue looking at him.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t really know what I was scared of either.” Phil answered honestly. Dan wished he knew how to make Phil understand that even though nothing could take away how much it hurt in the past, it’d vanished completely with Phil’s admission, it all made sense and he _didn’t blame Phil at all._ They were okay, if Phil wanted them to be. But those words weren’t coming out of his mouth, and he wasn’t sure if Phil would believe him or understand even if they did. So instead, he tried a simpler route.

“It’s okay. It’s- I get it now. And I… forgive you, I do, for all of it. I don’t- I’m just so sorry that everything got so fucked up. And you don’t have to be sorry. I mean… I suppose some of the things you did, maybe you have to be sorry for. But I think… your reasoning kind of means that you don’t, not with me anyway. I just wish it was different.”

“Can’t change the past. Can make the future better, though.” Phil said, sounding almost hopeful, offering Dan a genuine, tender smile. Dan dared to feel hopeful as well.

“How are you going to do that?” he asked, just a little cheekily.

“I’m in love with you.” Phil said simply, though his voice was thick with emotion. Dan felt his entire body seize up in joy and shock and he wasn’t even sure what else because even though he was pretty sure by now that was the truth, hearing it out loud felt better than he could have ever imagined. “I forgive you for Adam, and I’m sorry for every screwup, and I  _love_ you. I have since actually… before we started fooling around, before we even met in person, and I… I did it all because I am selfish. I was scared, I was out of my element. You were actually right about me, I know plenty about sex but I don’t know how to love people. I wanted to have you and I wanted to be with you but I was scared to do it properly. I was scared to give you that power. And it was never hurting me that much because I knew I still had you and I didn’t have to call you my boyfriend to know that. I was selfish, I am so sorry. Because you deserved to know that you had me, too. I’m an idiot. And I wasn’t fair to you. I didn’t have the right to expect you to wait around in silence until I was ready to be with you properly. And the thing is, that all happened when I was seventeen, you know? It’s been long enough that I’m okay with it, I guess? Really. I’m not a victim of serious domestic violence, I don’t have battle scars and I don’t really have mental scars, either. I’ve put it behind me, I think. Honestly, I have, for the most part. I think it was just that the only other time I’d felt anything even sort of comparable to what I feel for you was with him, and I just… I’ve been a bit afraid of loving someone, in case things went badly again… because I know how much it hurts for things to go badly.” Dan didn’t know how to say all the things that were bubbling up in his head. He thought he was going to cry again, he wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe one day he’d be able to convince Phil that Phil didn’t have to ‘put it behind him’ like it was so simple to do, and that he didn’t need to convince Dan that he was okay and stable because Dan would love him regardless and the last thing he wanted Phil to pretend to be okay if he wasn’t. But again, none of that was coming out right now. It occurred to Dan that he would have a very long time to convince Phil of that, and maybe they needed to ease up a little on the talk of being ‘okay’ for this afternoon.

“Why don’t you say his name? Is it hard to say it?” he asked quietly

“No. I could tell you if I wanted, I don’t mind saying it. I can talk about it and stuff, it’s not like it hurt to have this conversation, really. The only reason I haven’t spoken about it all is because I’m really crap with feelings. I won’t say it because then the two of you are connected, you have a name to put to him, and I don’t want that. You’re a completely separate part of my life, a way better part. I probably have a lot of issues to work through. I know that. I’ll, uh… I’m thinking I might try therapy. Just to… see if I can work through the few little… remaining unresolved… things. But I love you. I do. I promise.”

“Do you love me enough, though? Enough to actually, you know, date me? I’m not going to make you if you aren’t ready. Even if you’re never ready. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” Even though it wouldn’t be ideal for Dan to settle for what they had previously, now that he knew the whole truth he would deal with just being Phil’s best friend, or his fuck buddy, or the most unofficial thing in the world, without any complaints or demands. Because all he wanted was for Phil to be comfortable, and happy. God, he wanted Phil to be  _happy_. 

“Yes. I… I’ve been wishing I was brave enough to do it properly since the first time I touched you and I was almost relieved when everything blew up before you left for Christmas because then at least I would have something that would force me to change things. Because I actually am ready, now, I want you, I trust you… I love you. I’m not afraid of loving you anymore, I’m not afraid of committing to you and giving you as much power over me as you want. I think I’d probably ask you to marry me now if I thought you’d say yes. You’re the only thing I’ve ever had that felt  _real._ You feel like forever, Dan, you always have.” Dan was pretty sure that if it was possible to have a heart attack from feeling too much emotion, from loving someone too much, he was going to have one now. He could feel his heart pounding rapidly and violently in his ribcage. He had no real way of reply to that. There wasn’t really any way he could make a declaration of love that was even half as solemn, no way he could find a way to say he loved Phil that was worthy of what Phil had just said to him. So he opted, in the true form of their relationship when things weren’t desperately painful, to go for the joking route.

“Ask me again in a few months. If you can manage to actually be my boyfriend with some success, then maybe, if you’re lucky, I’ll let you be my husband.” Phil’s eyes lit up, and he leant forward to connect their lips, briefly. Dan’s whole body tingled.

“That was freaking exhausting, I know it’s only like two-thirty but can we sleep?” Phil asked quietly. Dan nodded. He’d been exhausted for a very, very long time. Now he could finally start to recharge.

“A nap sounds perfect. Get under the covers.” He said, doing so himself. As Phil shuffled around, Dan made the executive decision to make himself the big spoon. Phil was perfectly compliant, shuffling backwards into Dan’s arms. He could only pray that Phil felt as safe in his arms as he did in Phil’s. He shut his eyes, and prepared for sleep. Phil’s breathing slowed as well, and he pulled Phil a little closer, twining their legs together.

“Hey Dan?” Phil said quietly, after such a long silence that Dan had actually thought he’d fallen asleep.

“Yeah?” Dan whispered back.

“I choose you. I’ve always chosen you. Always will. Promise.” Dan felt his eyes welling up again because Phil  _understood._ Phil understood that he needed to be loved and he needed to be someone’s first choice and Phil was  _choosing him._ And maybe Phil had always needed to be chosen, as well. So he gave him a quick squeeze, and kissed his neck, before whispering,

“I choose you, too.”


End file.
